“Adapt yourself to the things among which your lot has been cast and love sincerely the fellow creatures with whom destiny has ordained that you shall live.” - Marcus Aurelius
I’ve read the above quote over and over again. I am a big fan of the teachings of Marcus Aurelius and I have spent much time pondering wise information and thoughts on relationships and marriage in an effort to better understand how to be truly successful in my own marriage. A good friend of mine once said that when a person thinks of marriage they shouldn’t think, “What is this person going to do for me?” rather “What am I able to do for that person?” I never forgot that. I also never really knew how true that was until I got married.
Ladies and gentlemen, the fact is this: marriage is work! It is truly a full-time job in itself. Actually, I should say that a “successful” marriage is work. It is compromise. It is more being selfless, as opposed to selfish. It is without a doubt one of the hardest things I’ve ever attempted. I am constantly trying to adjust and figure things out. In my efforts to understand things in my marriage, I’ve spoken to many male and female friends both married and single, straight and gay. Some have pointed out to me that I often talk about what “I” am not getting, or what he didn’t do for “me.” It was an unwelcomed awakening. I realized that I was thinking mostly about how I felt or what I knew I was doing. Instead I started focusing less on what he wasn’t doing, and more on the great things that he was doing.
I have to admit that I am a bit high-strung, somewhat high-anxiety, and perhaps my expectations are a little high, as is the case with many other women I am sure. I have had to do just as Marcus Aurelius advised which is to “adapt.” Yes, I’ve had to consciously stop my natural reactive instincts to certain things and just relax, ease up, and really focus on picking my battles. It’s been one of my biggest challenges, but the fact is that it has worked! The reason it has worked is because the things that seem to be a big deal to me are insignificant to my husband.
An example is when he comes home from work and I cook a nice dinner. Dinner is hot, ready and the kids are finally seated (which is no easy feat when you’re dealing with a two and four year old) and we are waiting on him, and waiting and waiting. The wait is because he is watching a game on TV. I instantly feel my teeth itch because I get so irritated. I’ve worked hard to make a nice dinner, we are all ready and he has the audacity to make us all in the name of sports. I find it to be rude, inconsiderate and a bad example for his kids. For him however, it’s nothing! He has no idea what the big deal is. Now, I must stop and say that his behavior has a lot to do with how he was raised or the lack thereof. Proper manners should be taught from a young age to all children. This was not the case in his household, but that is another story. The point is, now I let him know about fifteen minutes before dinner is ready and hope he is at the table on time. When it is dinnertime the children and I begin to eat. I don’t wait. I don’t let it upset me. He gets to the dinner table sooner and sooner. When he’s late I still think it is rude and inconsiderate, but is it worth the headache? Absolutely not.
