(Written when I was two months pregnant with my second son.)
I’m starting to feel a bit iffy about this pregnancy. Wait, “iffy” isn’t the right word—insecure? Unconfident (is “unconfident” even really a word)? I dunno, the appropriate word escapes me; babies eat brain cells.
I’m not saying I regret getting pregnant as this baby wasn’t exactly an accident or anything (we weren’t trying to have one, but we weren’t doing anything to prevent one, either). I’m quite excited. I’m excited Logan will have a sibling as I’d gotten so nostalgic lately, looking at his baby pictures. I’m glad I’m sharing this experience with a wonderful person this time, something I didn’t get to have the first time. I can’t wait to plan for its arrival. However, something’s started nagging me in the back of my mind, reminding me of when I said, “I’d love to have more children—I just have to find a husband first.”
I’m having a second child with yet a second person I’m not married to. By now everyone should know what a terrible person my son’s father is (by the way, I’m going to have to think of another alias for him now besides “baby’s daddy”—“sperm donor” wouldn’t necessarily work, either). My son unfortunately was not planned, and while I wouldn’t give Logan up for the world, I can’t stand how I’m permanently tied to his dad. But at least I’m not with him anymore. Sure, he did propose to me just before Logan was born and I accepted (my answer was “I guess”), but only because I figured this was it and nothing better would come along. No one would want a lady with a baby. It was an engagement I broke off when I later realized that this wasn’t it and I could do better. Even if nothing lasted long-term, even if I was sometimes single—anything was better than raising a child in a horrible relationship.
I vowed not to have anymore children until I got married first—I didn’t wanna be that lady that has a bunch of kids by a bunch of different dads. Men left as soon as they came (no pun intended) and while devastating, it obviously meant they weren’t worth marrying, let alone have children with. In barely eight months Lucas has long been moved in and we’re anticipating raising another child together. The chain of events obviously happened rather quickly but we’ve just done what came naturally for us and it’s worked marvelously. But regardless—why have a baby now?
Just as the thought of “marriage before more children” found its way back into my head, an old friend wrote me and affirmed my insecurities:
“Why have a kid with a guy that has no real commitment to you? He can literally just walk away if he wants to. I don’t understand. Why not wait until your married to someone that you REALLY want to be with, and vice versa—then have a kid?”
Thinking of how to answer him gave me a little more assurance, I guess. My boyfriend is a wonderful person and most certainly doesn’t seem to be the type that would abandon me (hypothetically speaking, I’d be more likely to leave him, if anything), and especially wouldn’t abandon his baby; I could probably understand if he were to just leave Logan and me, but not if his own baby was involved. Then again, Logan’s father wouldn’t have been the type to abandon his family either, despite his inability to be a provider. I left him. And while Logan splits his time between us, my boyfriend does a fantastic job in helping in the responsibilities. A while back he said that he felt watching Logan was like preparation for when he had his own kid. He grew to love Logan, and I knew by the way he adored his young niece that he couldn’t wait to have one of his own and would make an excellent father.
