If you suspect your husband is having an affair or is being emotionally unfaithful, do not despair. An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage. In fact, consider this:
- Approximately 20 percent of affairs last less than two months
- Approximately 50 percent of affairs last more than one month, but less than a year.
- The remaining 30 percent last more than a year
- Very few last more than four years
- Around three percent result in marriage
There are seven specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe he may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will survive, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.
Step 1. Gather Evidence
Just to be clear, it is very typical for a disloyal spouse to deny they are having an affair, even if you walk in and catch them “in the act”, so to speak. They jump up and as they’re putting their clothes on they’ll say “It’s not what it looks like!” So this step is intended to confirm to yourself that you are not making a mountain out of a molehill ... something really is going on. Before you hack into his computer or install a small tape recorder, you may want to check your state’s laws on electronic surveillance. Some typical “evidence” could be gathered by looking at emails if he leaves his email open (print them!), looking at his cell phone pictures and texts if his phone is left unlocked, or logging onto your joint cell phone bill online and looking for a large number of minutes to the same phone number.
Step 2. Confront
Go to him directly and tell him to his face that you know about the affair and that you have evidence in a safe place that proves it. Don’t tell him where it is, or what it is necessarily, just let him know that YOU know. Then, state that in order for the marriage to work, there cannot be infidelity. Ask him point blank to end the affair. Make sure he understands that ending the affair means that he can never, EVER contact the other person again. He must agree to be accountable for his time by sharing passwords to all his accounts (Facebook, all email accounts, cell phones ... etc.).
Step 3. Disclose
Disclose the affair to ONE very respected authority who he is likely to look up to and listen to ... someone who is likely to be pro-marriage and to tell him that he should end the affair and work on the issues in your marriage. This person could be one of his parents, a religious leader, a teacher, or a boss. Meet with this person in confidence and explain to them that you expect them to keep the matter confidential, but that you need help. Then explain that your spouse is having an affair and give them the facts. If you can, show them the evidence. Then ask the respected person to help you and support you as you talk to your husband and again ask them to stop the affair.
Step 4. Exposure
Expose the affair to those who will likely be affected by a potential divorce. The idea behind exposure is not to drag your husband’s name and reputation through the mud, but rather to refuse to keep the affair a “secret” and to bring the ugly truth of the unfaithfulness to the light of day. In his mind he may be thinking something like, “Oh yes we might be disrupting four people’s lives, but don’t I deserve some happiness too?” What he doesn’t realize is that a divorce will not affect four people—it will be a like the ever-widening wake of a nuclear bomb, affecting possibly hundreds of people! For this step though, there should be a focus to the exposure. Contact your own family (parents and siblings), his parents and siblings, his church or place of worship, your co-workers, some of his co-workers, your employer, his co-workers, and the other woman’s spouse and inform them of the affair, that it is serious, that your marriage is in trouble, and ask for help. Nothing ends an affair faster than the other woman’s spouse screaming and putting their foot down.
