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I Am Scared

Hi, I am 22 years old and I have recently realized that I am in an abusive relationship. About two days ago me and my fiancé were arguing and he started strangling me. He finally let go and I was swinging my arms all around and landed a punch on his arm. That was a bad idea. He punched me and threw me to the floor punching me all over my body had my hands behind my back and all of this was going on our 2 year old daughter was watching and crying.

All I was concerned about was getting her into her room and away from what was going on to protect her because I couldn’t protect myself. He finally stopped and we went into her room and got her calmed down and started playing. I am alright but there has been no mention of what occurred on that day over some stupid argument and we have just gone on with our lives. But this isn’t the first time something like this has happened and every time it does it seems worse and worse.

I love him and I want to marry him but the way he abuses me and puts me down is holding me back. How do I bring up how what he has done to me makes me feel and how it could put our daughter at risk?? I am so scared and confused.

First published August 2007

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Key terms (tags) for this article:
abuse, relationship, marriage, physical, daughter, violence (view other popular tags)

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Comments

I am 53 years old. I was married twice and for the life of me, they were both abusive! Don't know how I managed it. I just divorced the second one this past summer. These fellas don't just stop what they are doing. It escalates. And you know that. DO NOT marry this man. Leave. Start over. If I can do it anyone can. My second husband beat me up, dug his fingernails into his cheeks to make them bleed and called the police. I had just graduated from college with a degree and had a great job. I was taken to jail, could not go home because of a protection order to protect him!!!! and they set the hearing for three months away. He would not leave me alone. I was scared to death that he would get angry again call the police and tell them I had violated the protection order and so I left the state. My point is, you can make it alone. I did. Go to a women's shelter if you have to. Call a church. They can help. That's why they exist. I will pray for you. Deb

Dear... I'm actually younger than you, but know more about this than ever. When I was younger, I *was* your daughter. My own mother married a very abusive man, who hit her, and once threw her down a flight of stairs while she was pregnant with me hoping to end the pregnancy. She eventually left him only to go on to a more abusive man. I watched her go through this cycle for more than ten years. It's horrifying and caused damage to our family that we can't hope to undo. Please get out and get help for you and your child. It tears me apart to think that more children are going through what I went through.

Dear Sweet Heart, I sympathize with your situation more than you could realize - I've been there myself, and was married to the man that beat me and my child. My son is four now, and at the time, was only two - trust me, no matter how much love and devotion you put towards this man, it will only lead to further abuse towards you and then your daughter. You need to get out of this situation fast! It will undoubtedly be the hardest thing you've ever had to do - but in the long run, it will be worth it. You will essentially be saving the lives of your self and your daughter. I believe that marriage makes it harder to leave because you've got a commitment on paper - but it's worth the trouble. Your daughter will only come to learn that this behavior is acceptable of how a man treats a woman, risking herself in future relationships that she may have, and it IS NOT! If I can offer any suggestions, PLEASE go to the police, the family court seeking custody and get out of that house NOW!

I think you need to seek some professional help. Either a women's shelter or an abuse hotline. It would be best if your family is around to help you but you need to talk to people who deal with this type of situation to find out the best way to proceed. A quick search online will get you many choices one of which is SNBW (Support Network for Battered Women) which has a 24-hour number 1-800-572-2782. I would love to think your fiance could change with mere talk but I have a feeling that would be highly unusual given his past behaviour.

I agree with what Caring Friend said below. Maybe have the conversation with him in the presence of a third person...a very strong third person who could keep him under control if it came to that. I'm not an expert in this, but it might be a good idea to have a Plan B in case he gets upset when you tell him...he may not get violent in the presence of your friend, but he might after you get home. You should think about where you can go (possibly with your strong friend or family member?) if that happens. I understand you love him, but by marrying him, you are binding yourself to him legally, which will be very hard to get out of if he continues hurting you. And unfortunately, it sounds like he will continue since he's done it before. From what I understand, it will only get worse after you get married. Think very hard about the future of your safety - and your daughter's safety- before marrying this man.