I can see why now, I end up marrying an abusive man. I became an exotic dancer. My now ex-husband used to tell me, “not many men would want to date a stripper, but that he would.” He eventually had me quit dancing. Because no girlfriend of his was going to be known as a stripper! After, I learned that all he did was brag that I was one. He had me believe that none of my friends respected me; how could they I was a stripper! His friends soon began to ask me for sexual favors, I declined. Some of them would try anyway. No respect for me, just like my ex said, no one does respect me, he was right.
The mental abuse continued. One of my best friends refused to come around anymore. She used to tell me he is very weird, and he’s mean to you Gwen. She also told me he pushed her down to the floor one night at our house, during a party. He was sick of her. She was a whore, and did not want her in his house. I was there but blocked it out. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, my last dear friend was being abused by him too. What could I do. No one wanted to mess with him. I knew my friends were right; but then what was a washed up, has been stripper going to do with herself anyway. Skipping ahead three months later I became pregnant. Pregnant and scared, I took on a full-time job. I needed to support us. He (my ex) was fired from his job. Making $110,000 a year, a good salary for a family, and he loses it. He became so horribly jealous. He had accused me of sleeping with his roommate and that he had “us” on video tape. He was crazy. There was no affair between me and the roommate, and I had to help him trust me again. (It is obvious I am being mentally tortured; to everyone else, but I don’t see it.)
During the pregnancy it was more put-downs. No one else wanted me, and he would manage all my money for me, and we needed a joint checking account and, he wanted me pregnant! WOW I had found true love, real love this time. During the pregnancy he coaxed me into doing coke, having a drink now and then, and lots of sex. I lost that baby. A miscarriage. He was so sorry, and wanted to “try” again. I felt like it was the ultimate love any man had ever shown me! He wanted me to be the mother of his kids. I was so lucky, because his ex-girlfriend really wanted to be the first to have his children, but I got to, not her. Oh how lucky I was. The second pregnancy WAS more of a stressor for him, and more serious for my health than before. I was told to wait at three months after that miscarriage, before getting pregnant again. I was forced into it two weeks later. I really wanted to give him a child. It’s what he wanted all his life, to have real family all his own (he was adopted from Seoul, KOREA).
He continued his put downs. I was fat, but he loved me this way. I was not wanted by anyone but him. No one else could take care of me, except him. I was getting tired of him real quick. He was a good bull%^&, but I was beginning to see what he was trying to accomplish. He wanted me afraid, I fought back. I didn’t allow his put downs anymore. I gave him the old, sarcasm, that I learned as a protective measure, from my mother. When he realized I was “on to him” he began to stay out late, a lot. Here I am pregnant with our first child, the one he wanted so badly, and I wanted out. I never knew were he was at night. He often came home at 6 a.m. I would ask what he had been doing all night, he claimed he was gambling. He was trying to make a quick buck for “us.” I remember thinking, “why not get a real job.” I was too afraid to say it. On one evening in October of 1994 he had decided to go out. I told him I would go visit grandma while he was gone. He said, “whatever.” I had a nice time with Gram, but I wanted so desperately to tell her how messed up my life had become.
