I have a new question from the always-friendly Panda Bear. She asks about breaking up. We have all been through a break up. Some are good some are bad. Here is what she asked:
What is the best way to break up with someone? I just hate the part where they cry and bang their head against the passenger car window, then they get angry and then they cry some more and then I cave in ... Well, you get the picture ... Please oh please, wise Joe Mama, tell a lesbian what to do?!
Your adoring student,
Panda Bear
Ah the break-up. There is a reason why nobody likes a break-up. They are hard and never easy for either person to go through. We all enter into relationships thinking they will last, wanting this person to be our soul mate, aching that this person is the one that completes us so perfectly that our heart will find peace. Why would you start to fall in love with somebody if you knew it would not last? We all have the best intentions, but good intentions cannot keep a bad relationship going. Therefore, we come to the end, the break up. The bad news is there is no best way to break up with someone. There is good news too. There is way to avoid the crying, head banging, cave in, regretful, and chaotic break up.
Most of us know we are going to break-up with our partner long before we ever tell them. We know something is wrong but we don’t want to hurt their feelings. This is where things should happen, rather than down the road. As I said, we all want our relationships to work. Part of that is communicating, the good as well as the bad. With the exception of people with disassociative psychological disorders, a relationship does not turn bad “all of a sudden.” The choice happens when that first sign of dissatisfaction occurs. What are you going to do with that feeling? Will you use it as a point of growth together in the relationship or as a point of separation in the relationship? Relationships take work. It sucks, but it is true. The work helps us see if we are compatible. After many discussions on things you both find wrong with the relationship, most people can mutually agree that it needs to end. It will not be easy and there will be disappointment from all the hope you had in the beginning, but it will be easier.
If you stay true to yourself and honest with your partner, there should be no trouble. Crying, head banging, cave in, regretful, and chaotic break ups happen when the other person has no idea it is coming. When you are dropping them off at home and say, “We need to talk” but do not get out of the car. From their standpoint (or sitpoint) they are trapped, blindsided and desperate. In a setting like that, people will act irrationally, because it taps into a survival instinct.
Instead of trapping them in a car and then dropping an unexpected bomb on them, have a final discussion on your relationship in a comfortable setting where you both come to terms with the inevitable end. I know I make it sound much easier than life ever turns out. Not only is it hard to tell your partner the things about them that drive you nuts, there are partners who have issues and do not deal well with endings. This would come up before the break up though. If you try to talk things out in a mature fashion and your partner flips out, then there is a deeper issue at play. Codependency, abandonment, abuse, poor self image, horrible relationships in the past, childhood issues, and a whole litany of causes can come along with a great kisser and fun personality.
