Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I have had a two-year relationship that is loving, exciting, and strong in all respects. My only concerns stem from the fact that he maintains contact with several females with whom he once had romantic relationships. He sees them on occasion when he and his friends hang out—they’re part of his group. They also phone and text him occasionally to say hi, and I’m not naive enough to believe he doesn’t initiate contact once in a while.
I’ve told him multiple times that his unwillingness to cut ties with these women makes me feel extremely insecure. He swears that they are just friends, he has no romantic feelings for them, and he broke up with them all for a reason. He tells me that he is an adult and should be allowed to have platonic friendships with the opposite sex as long as nothing inappropriate is going on. He also insists that I should trust him because he’s done nothing to make me do otherwise. This man is not my husband or fiancé, so I’m nearly ready to say that either these friendships go, or I go.
The fact that he is not changing something that causes me anxiety makes me wonder whether he values me and my feelings. I’ve felt this man was my soul mate and he’s shown me in many other ways that he loves and adores me, but is this issue enough to leave somebody over? It’s making me feel so insecure. Where do I go from here?—Not So Friendly Nell
Dear Not So Friendly Nell,
Only you can decide what’s worth ending your relationship over. But I can tell you this: if you feel like your insecurity on this matter is going to ruin the good things you have going, then ultimately, the choice is made for you. It sounds like he’s intent on keeping these women in his life for now, and I doubt there’s much more you can do to convince him otherwise.
I’d try sitting down and talking to him about it one more time. Make sure he understands that it’s not him that you’re worried about, but rather these other women. See if you can work together in coming up with an arrangement that’s suitable to both of you. Otherwise, it’s time to make a break or let it go. You can’t control his actions or choices, so stop trying to. Instead, focus on what you can do for yourself.
