I’m not proud to say this, but I recently went out with a guy who, well, had a girlfriend. Oops! I didn’t get that was his deal at first, but after I connected a few dots—okay, there was a tampon out on his kitchen table—I realized he already belonged to another woman. While I’m glad this revelation saved me from a fate that involved that pig, I still feel bad for playing a part in his scheme, albeit unwittingly. I wish I could tell his real girlfriend what a philandering d-bag he is, but I don’t know who she is. So instead, I will share with you the telltale signs that I pieced together afterward that all pointed to the clear fact that he was nothin’ but a Cheatin’ Charlie!
1. Inter-Web: He won’t accept your friend request on Facebook. We all have privacy settings, but why won’t he let you see his page?
2. New Spots: He takes you to places he’s never been, in a bad way. He only wants to go somewhere new with you. Doesn’t he have hangouts or is he afraid to bump into someone he knows?
3. Lady Buddies: He doesn’t seem to have any friends who are women. Maybe he has introduced you to his pals, but none of them were chicks. Where are his girls at? If no woman is willing to vouch for him, consider it a red flag!
4. Reach Out and Touch Someone: He doesn’t pick up the phone when you call. He might call you, text, and even sext you, but he can never talk to you when you ring his bell. Not to sound like a needy girl, but after a handful of missed calls it begs the question: Who is he with when he doesn’t pick up the phone?
5. Watch the Clock: He wants to see you at odd hours. Sure, he might blame it on his work, but last minute cancellations and weird date times cause suspicion.
6. Home Is Where the Heart Is: You’ve never gone back to his place. At first you thought your place was just nicer, but after a while you want to see where he lives. If he avoids the issue, be wary. Or there’s a second pad scenario—keep reading …
7. Knickknacks: There’s some girlie crap in his place. Why does his shower curtain have purple polka dots? What man has a painted vintage teakettle? That girl in those pictures doesn’t look like his sister! He might say an ex left those things there, but why wouldn’t he have boxed them up already?
8. Girlfriend Experience: He never asks you to do girlfriend things, like be his arm candy or sew on a button for him. Amelia is single and she admits she needs a man’s expertise sometimes. Men need us women, too! So, if he’s not asking you to go with him to do things like see his friend’s band play, he could either be going alone to avoid having to introduce you and get busted for being a cheater or he’s taking his other woman.
9. Blues Clues: Check his bathroom for feminine hygiene products, hot pink toothbrushes, and fancy hand soap. No bachelor would buy these things.
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