A year and the carnage left behind. Life changing. You had proven yourself showing your colors way back the day the child was born. Too busy with a cigarette and cup of coffee for your new family. Strangers saw him before you did. I was so hurt but grateful that the boy had no idea so early. He would find out in time, but settled for what emotion you could give him. After your death, I told him your story. He was able to understand so much more about you. Hopefully diminishing some of his pain. He had to be told by someone who could calmly, fairly tell the story, giving you fairness. Again Lumpy, I proved to be your friend. I remembered the love that I once had for you to soften the delivery to our beautiful boy.
The loss has been astronomical with changes it brought. Life defining moments for Stinky and me. I doubt I will ever forget the activities, the conversations, the emotions. I was so confused. Conflicted. Like dominoes falling, relationships gone. Eye opening, heart breaking realities came to the surface. Friendships that I valued above all others, proven not to be as they had seemed.
Yes Lumpy, your dying has changed so much. I lost plenty, I thought. That was until today in writing this. I didn’t lose. I never had. That is the reality. That realization makes me sadder than you can ever imagine. Never was there loyalty in place. Never love. Never friendship. Never respect. There was no future or brass ring to grab. Can it be called betrayal if it never was? I think not. Just an existence. A lonely one.
I exist.
