I recently met a guy who seems to really have it together. Almost all of his calls and texts hit exactly the right note. So of course, all of my girlfriends said he must be married; single guys are still trying to figure out how to treat a woman.
I hadn’t even considered the possibility that he might be married. Now I can’t stop thinking about it.
I guess there’s good reason to be suspicious. Most of my girlfriends have dated men who turned out to be married or in otherwise serious relationships but lied about it. It’s happened to me too. One of my friends dated a guy for four years and was starting to talk about marriage. I was standing next to her when she found out he was already married. But he didn’t tell her, his best friend did because he couldn’t bear to be a part of such a hurtful lie anymore. Ouch. Bastard.
All of which has me wondering why we place such a strong emphasis on getting married in the first place. From a young age we’re all raised (conditioned?) to think that part of what happens in life is that you fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. A couple of decades later there isn’t a lot of evidence that “happily ever after” is what happens for most of us. Not even Tiger.
Think about it. How many people are happily married? When you subtract singles, cheaters, gays (who in most states are forbidden from marrying) and the unhappily married, how big is this universe? Why do so many of us want to join the club when there’s not a lot of evidence that it’s worth the price of admissions several years down the road? Are we doing ourselves a disservice by clinging to an (outdated) notion of love and family?
There’s a scene in Sex and the City (the movie) in which Sam is saying goodbye to her L.A. guy and Carrie’s narrating the scene. She says something like, not all great loves are epic novels, some are short stories but that doesn’t make them any less meaningful. When I heard it I thought, wow, those writers are onto something. It’s certainly been true in my life. I’ve been in love a few times … all great short stories.
I’m not trying to be unromantic, but why do we seem unwilling to entertain the possibility that love can be a short story? Maybe that’s all some, maybe even most, relationships are meant to be. We try to force the issue and marry people we really are better off separating from after a few years.
I know, marriage is the cornerstone of a family and if you want kids, they are better off with two parents. But we do the same thing with kids we do with marriage. It’s more or less ingrained in us that we should not only get married but also have kids. Look around. I don’t want all of the people I meet having kids. Seriously. And kids are an awful lot of work. They’re a huge joy to be sure, but I’ve had more than one girlfriend say to me (in hushed tones because she knows she’s not supposed to say this) that if she had it to do all over again, she would not have children. It’s hard taking care of kids, a marriage, a career, and your sanity.
I read a story a while back about a German legislator who introduced a bill to limit marriage to a certain number of years. Think about it. Instead of entering into a lifelong commitment at twenty-five you can opt for the three-, five- or seven-year plan. Again, I’m not trying to be unromantic and I realize our laws aren’t set up to entertain such possibilities but maybe we would be better off rethinking the role of marriage in our lives. Or at least be open to the possibility that great love can come in a short story too.
