Couple up or stay single? That is the question.
I often observe myself dreaming and wishing for my soul mate to knock on my door or catch my captivating glance in a crowded bustling downtown lobby. As our eyes meet and the lightning strikes us both, he walks up to me and asks me any silly question that pops out of his mouth.
OK back to reality.
Yet, while I think into it a little further, we’re dating, engaged and married. My wish came true or so I think, until I then start dreaming into it a little further. Whoah, little dogie!
The details go something like this: We start dating and all of a sudden I am starting to obsess about my weight (which I do already, but I can do that on my own time) and whether or not he really likes me all the time and is thinking about our future and is thinking about marriage and is thinking about other women....What?
Here comes the insecurity brigade marching into my brain taking up my precious time that I used to spend wishing for my soul mate and wallowing in luscious self pity. But that time was mine. No one owned me. If I chose to be happy, I could be happy that day. If I chose to be sad, crazy, manic or sleepy, I could. As my dreaming into my life with my soul mate continues, I start to be someone I am not. We get along great (because I am fun and easy to get along with), we start eating out too much, and going to concerts and events to the point that we have nothing else to talk about. I'm now gaining weight and my insecurities are growing because of my weight gain. He somehow senses my insecurities and seems to use them to manipulate me…or so I imagine. I start becoming more and more eager to please and this begins the cycle of initial anger and disrespect that starts brewing.
Yes, the sex is fine and great at first. But he never really gets to know me and I start to become what he wants me to become. Soon, he asks me to marry him and we are now living together during our engagement. Since I’m used to doing things my way, the situation is more than a little tense because I no longer can leave the dishes undone for days if I please. I can't watch three movies in a row without feeling guilty about wasting time. I can't discipline my kids the way I really want to. I can't come and go as I please. We get married and you can just imagine the rest...
More than all this imagined disruption is the basic fact that maybe I don't want to have to give of myself to someone else unless they really know and respect me. I want the imagined security and love that a relationship brings, but I don't want to give up who I am and what I want. Who I am and what I want changes all the time as I continue to evolve and grow.
And maybe I can't bring myself to give up my personal life which more people would be wise to cherish. I don't feel single; it’s more like a connectedness to everything and everyone. How and why we couple up is still a mystery and sometimes brings unfulfilled promises and disappointments. I feel free and full of unforeseen possibilities to love, laugh, choose, dream, create, travel and just be…myself.
Today I get to decide what to eat, what to do, when to go and how to dress. How could anyone give that up?
You decide.
