“A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short,” according to French essayist and author Andrew Maurois in his 1942 memoir. But this is still true even though most twenty-first century relationships seem like brief emails rather than long conversations.
August 2008 marks thirty years since I met my husband Glenn, so our long conversation is still a work in progress. We met on a job interview when I took a job for an LA music manager. Glenn was using an office in the manager’s suite to finish writing a novel inspired by his years as a rock and roll roadie. I’d just ended a brief but intense romance and had sworn off relationships for a while when I took this new job. Ironically, I found love anyway as our paths suddenly crossed.
Glenn had just returned to LA after building a house for a friend in Oregon and getting divorced from a ten-year marriage. He spent those years mostly on the road touring with superstar bands like The Stones and Elton John while his first wife stayed home in Pennsylvania buying antiques with his paychecks. Although it took him ten years to leave the marriage, which he admits was doomed from the start, it hadn’t soured him on long-term relationships. In turn, I’d survived a series of live-in relationships and short-term romances.
Our long conversation began during my first week on the job as we discovered significant things in common: we’re both writers and we were both seeking long-term attachments rather than just romantic love. When Glenn moved in with me a week after we met, it felt easy and comfortable. Nearly thirty years later, it still does.
When we celebrated our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, I asked my friends who also had long-relationship friends what has kept them together to see if what’s worked for us was also what worked for them. Here’s what I learned:
1. Keep each other laughing—Glenn’s boyish sense of humor keeps me laughing even when he doesn’t intend to. When he tries to make me laugh on purpose, it’s usually to lighten me up when I’m angry or when I think he should do something “my” way. Telling bad jokes works in a pinch, but good jokes work even better.
2. Create new traditions together—Glenn and I got married on Chinese New Year in 1979, so we celebrate our anniversary on Chinese New Year, even though the date changes each year. We got married at a Chinese restaurant in Beverly Hills with a dozen friends in attendance, so our anniversary tradition is to eat at a different Asian restaurant each year.
Our first anniversary required us to get Chinese take-out, however, as our daughter Risa had just been born. On our tenth and twentieth anniversaries, we invited all of our friends to bring their favorite Chinese take-out and had amazing feasts. On our twenty-fifth anniversary, a dozen friends joined us at our favorite neighborhood Chinese place, which was like our wedding even though all of our friends had changed. This family tradition makes our anniversaries special and is lots of fun. Finding your own family traditions that go beyond the usual holiday events gives you something special to look forward to each year and creates happy memories.
3. Identify your “deal breakers”—In every relationship, there are differences of opinion. But not every difference is a “deal breaker”—that’s something you absolutely can’t live with. Since marriage is actually a business deal of sorts, knowing what your deal breakers are can save a lot of frustration, as they’re things you won’t compromise on to save the “deal,” no matter what.
Deal breakers are different for each person and each relationship. For example, infidelity can be a deal breaker for some but it may not be a deal breaker for others, depending on the circumstances. By identifying your deal breakers, you can relax and won’t make mountains out of molehills, as well as sense when it’s time to change or leave the deal.
