The playwright William Congreve once said, “Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.” Easy for him to say; I doubt he had a spouse that would rather see the trash overtake the house than take it out to the garbage. Congreve must have had some ingenious methods for ending quarrels, otherwise he might not have been so quick to offer one of the most infamous pieces of advice for couples in arguments.
So, exactly how did he overcome those spats that induce silence and a week-long stand-off? Because, when the heat starts rising and voices notch up several octaves, there seems to be little possibility of happy faces on the pillow at the end of the day. After talking with a few happily married couples, though, I’ve discovered some of their tried-and-true methods to ensure two smiling faces at the end of the day.
1. Before you continue arguing, name at least one thing you’d rather be doing.
“Anything” might be the answer, and that’s fine. The idea is to shift the conversation from conflict to solution by focusing on a more positive way to spend time. If both parties agree that sitting on the patio with a cold beverage or watching a movie would instantly be more fun than the current war of words, then priorities might rearrange and the argument could get solved or shelved for the time being.
2. Take your clothes off.
That’s right. It may sound ridiculous, but so is fighting over who forgot to recycle the newspaper. Being naked and vulnerable forces you to decide if this argument is worth having. It’s hard to take yourself seriously when you and your partner are facing each other wearing nothing but a scowl. Either you’ll end up laughing at each other, or if the issue is truly worth spatting over, it will come to a conclusion quickly. BBC psychotherapist Paula Hall challenges couples to laugh. “This may seem a strange thing to put in an argument, but sensitive use of humor can be a powerful way to diffuse an argument. If there’s a lighter side, use it.”
3. Rhyme your reason.
Make a rule that the first partner who raises a voice when having a disagreement has to rhyme every sentence. (It’s hard to find a word that rhymes with “selfish” or “jerkface.”) Chances are you’ll both start laughing and forget that there’s anything to fight about, or cool off enough to discuss the issue with a bit more civility.
4. Write it out.
Grab some paper and pens and stop verbalizing. You and your partner will be forced to collect your thoughts and explain exactly why you’re upset. Then, exchange notes. Writing out grievances allows each party to have a say; neither party is interrupted, name-calling is not an option, and tempers will have time to go from boiling to at least a low simmer. Consider buying random greeting cards in which to write your argument. If you’re writing “when you interrupt me in public and talk over me it really makes me mad, and you do it all the time,” inside a card meant for a four-year-old’s birthday, you bring a certain note of levity to the situation.
5. Apologize before the fight really gets going.
In an argument, chances are you’re both at fault for something. There are two people doing the fighting, so there are at least two reasons to apologize. Saying “I’m sorry” might just end the argument before it even begins.
Although sometimes it might feel good to yell, scream, cry and fight it out, it’s not healthy to end the day with anger. Psychologist Dale Atkins says, “When you are lying next to someone and you are seething anger, it’s not good. The best thing is to table things so you don’t feel like you want to murder the person sleeping next to you.” A good night’s sleep should never be sacrificed in order to prove a point. True, there may be arguments about serious issues that deserve a heated debate, but on most occasions, you can deal with disagreements by simply replacing negativity with neutrality and a little dose of humor.
