My husband and I met on an adult internet sex site, at least according to his ex wife. And, if you listen to his ex, I am a thief, gold digger, liar, and a whole slew of words that equal slander and malice. It really doesn’t matter to her that I am an educated, former children’s pastor who met my husband after they had been split up for months when he came into my former employer’s office seeking divorce advice. In her mind, I am a homewrecker to the nth degree, and should be shot on sight.
She has slandered my name to her neighbors, her friends, my friends, and has published some extremely toxic and untrue things about not only me, but my husband as well. It has been a very frustrating experience in the very least, and a hair-pulling, scream until you are blue in the face experience at the most. However, I have learned to deal with it with humility and grace, a sense of humor, and by following the tips I try to give the divorce/custody clients I work with on a daily basis.
First of all, I try to put myself in her situation. After all, to her I’m the homewrecking, gold-digging slut who stole her husband. According to her, I took away her 24/7 ATM when my husband divorced her. Before I came along, she was content in her life eating bon-bons while my husband provided for her and their three children, and all she had to do was get out the bank card whenever she wanted something. When I came along, I ripped that ATM away from her and pulled the carpet right out from her wonderfully blissful Beaver Cleaver lifestyle.
The reality of the situation is that they had been unhappily married for at least eight years before he moved out, they had been split up and living apart for well over a year, and they were working toward divorce. But to her, she was happily married, and I destroyed it all. So, when dealing with her, I know I am not dealing with a rational person, and that she sees in me the embodiment of all that is evil and wrong with the world today. By viewing the conflict through her eyes, it is much easier to have some empathy for this woman, and not to take the things she says and does personally. It’s really not about me, and it would be any woman my husband chose to have a relationship with after her.
Second, I try to rise above the situation at hand. Although it becomes hard when she posts pictures of your husband all over your neighborhood like he’s a lost dog with the headline, “Have you seen this man? It’s of great importance. Please call.” Yes, this really happened, and my first reaction was that of complete horror and humiliation. Then, thankfully, it became so hilarious to me. Can you imagine somebody taking the time to print up “Lost Pet” posters and posting them up all over the neighborhood after your ex spouse is already married to another woman? It’s almost like saying, “I’ve lost my husband and I don’t know where to find him.” Having a sense of humor is probably the best asset to have when trying to rise above a situation your spouse’s ex puts you in. Turnabout would be such fair play; however, it would end up accomplishing nothing but creating more animosity.
Third, I don’t blame my husband. At times, I forget this rule. As people, we want to have something/someone to blame. He’s the easiest. After all, he married her. Why did he marry somebody who is mentally/emotionally unstable? What does that say about him? What does that say about me? Then, I have to stop and realize, my husband is not responsible for her actions. My husband did nothing to cause her to do the things she does. He just wanted a divorce. He wanted out of an unhappy marriage. I am also smart enough to know that he wasn’t always Mr. Innocent in their relationship. I am now married to him, and I see him, warts and all. I see how he drives me to exasperation, and how we both have Type-A personalities. But, I also see that we are all responsible for our own actions, and he has as much to do with her actions as much as I do—none at all.
