Many of us live our lives through expectations. Starting from a young age we are told what is expected of us from our parents and our teachers. As we get older, we are then guided by the expectations of colleges, employers, partners, and then even our children. Though many people clearly rebel against expectations, most of us find ourselves living a life molded by the expectations that others set for us.
Though expectations can be a good way of setting a goal that you strive to reach, more often than not we fall short of these expectations. Whether they be the ones that are set for us, or the ones we set for ourselves. We lives constantly checking to see how we measure up and find ourselves disappointed for missing the mark.
Expectations can be even more difficult if you are like me. The girl who demands more from herself than anyone else can ever expect. I have lived my life setting up expectations for myself and others that are almost impossible to reach. And surprise, surprise, I find myself disappointed or feeling guilty when I come up short, even when I miss by just the smallest of margins.
Perhaps it was something learned in early childhood that just grew as I got older, but I have found that my expectations have expanded from self-focused, but also to the ones I love: family, friends and of course my boyfriend. Lucky him …
So as I lay in bed last night, I began thinking of the expectations that I have created for my boyfriend in our relationship throughout the years and why it is that I can’t seem to let go of my expectations, and instead find myself pleasantly surprised?
Several people would say that expectations are not bad things. That is good to know what you want and not settle. That is GREAT, in theory. But how many of us can actually say that even the most perfect person for them hasn’t ever once disappointed them, even if it is in some small way?
Every one of us is guilty on some level of setting an expectation for how our partner is supposed to act. What they are supposed to say. What they are supposed to do. Now, I am not saying that taking the time to figure out what you want in a partner isn’t important. It is. We all need to take the time to figure out what our “must haves” are, our “nice to haves,” and our “deal breakers”. But when does an ideal become an expectation? An expectation that is likely to end with anything less being a disappointment?
Expectations, though good and serving a vital purpose in our lives, can many times be more of a curse than a blessing. Expectations can result in us measuring our loved ones by standards that they may never be able to reach, resulting in disappointment, hurt, anger and resentment.
Many times I have found myself guilty of setting an expectation of how my boyfriend should react to something and then finding myself upset and hurt when he doesn’t react that way. When he doesn’t say something the way he should have, or done something he should have. If you notice, I have omitted a word from these statements, and that word is I… The way I think he should have reacted. What I think he should have done or said, etc. I could go all day with the things that I think he should have done or said or how he should have acted or thought. However; what many of us fail to remember while we are busy complaining to our girlfriends, wallowing in our disappointment and hurt, is this vital piece of information … I am not him.
So the next time my boyfriend does something that doesn’t meet my expectations and that yucky feeling of disappointment and hurt starts to build up in me, I am going to remember: “I am not him.” That he is not perfect, no one is. So I choose to live my life with more: “pleasantly surprised” instead of: “expect to be disappointed …”
