Over the past year I have had moments where I feel like something is missing—like there is an empty space waiting to be filled. Filled with what, I have no idea. I do find myself wondering if this is it. Will I, for the next thirty-plus years, get up, go to work, go to the gym, go home, eat dinner, watch TV and go to bed? Really? There has to be more! And I am on a mission to find this “more.”
Being twelve years into a marriage, one can only imagine the questions we get about starting a family. I think it is interesting that people we don’t really know are so bold to come right out and ask why we haven’t started a family. They don’t care whether or not it is their business. It seems that our society has decided that women should maybe have a career, definitely get married and absolutely start a family within the approved time period (that is two to four years of being married, for those of you who don’t know). To most people, this is the only “natural” thing to do. Why else would one get married if there was no intent to procreate … right? On second thought, why would one not get married? This is not even an option should you desire to be considered a good-standing member of our society.
I am very torn on this matter. I have never been overly maternal and have never been the woman who longs to have children. I do sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had them, but the actual thought of being a mother terrifies me. Some may say I am selfish because I enjoy my life just the way it is. I come and go as I please, take nice vacations, have a career without the worry of not spending enough time with my family and to be quite honest, I like to shop. Yes, I said it … I like to shop. I am sure all of the mothers reading this are cringing at the sight of those words. Clearly, I am unfit to be a mother if that is my concern. But hey, at least I am being honest … and that should count for something! I think it would be selfish of me to have children when I don’t even know if I want them. Friends say that even if you’re not sure, you will be sure once you see them. But what if I’m not … what if I am the exception and not the rule?
I worry that I will become “mom” and lose my sense of identity. I am many things to many people: woman, career girl, wife/lover, friend, daughter, sister, etc … and one day, maybe mom. I have watched so many of my friends have children and become different people. Now I know that becoming a parent changes who you are and what you want, but does it have to be taken to the extreme? Most of my girlfriends who are now mothers have changed so much that I hardly recognize them. Their joy now comes from play dates, scrapbooking, trips to Chick-Fil-A and “mommy blogs” as I call them (the mommy blog is just another way to tell all the other moms, hey… my kid is smart, and tall and beautiful … and look at my picture-perfect family … aren’t we great!). These women no longer work outside the home and are completely consumed by their children. Being a stay-at-home mom is no easy task, I get it. I am not sure that I could ever do it and remain sane, and for this I applaud them. Even planning a simple dinner date has become an enormous task. Conversations have changed from current events around the world to current events in their household. Honestly, I could care less what their kid did at school, how many times they dirtied their diaper or what percentile they rank in. I recently had a friend tell me she was pregnant and part of me was a little sad. I was sad because I know what is to come and how much our relationship will change. It certainly doesn’t have to and I pray that it doesn’t.
