Hey there . . .
This is my first ever foray into the big world of online confessionals . . . which is how I feel about what I’m doing, in a way.
I have just divorced one of the best men in the world, after thirty-five, yes, thirty five, years married. Why? Because I just didn’t love him anymore. It didn’t just occur; it was a long time coming and it took a very long time—fifteen years or so—for me to find the backbone to actually tell him and leave the marriage.
He is a great guy—generous, giving of his time and effort, a great provider—but, is that enough?
For a long time, I told myself it was. I had resigned myself to being with him until the day I died. We, in fact, have a headstone in the cemetery with my name already on it!
I have a part-time gig on weekends at a mountain resort teaching skiing to newbies, which I love. Long story short, last winter, while at work one weekend, I met a man. Rather, that man came up to me, introduced himself, and asked me to ski with him. Being an older, rather distinguished man who had a certain “presence,” I said , “Sure, let’s go.” So we did . . .
Long story very short, we became close quickly, like mentor/mentored, and spent time with each other off the slopes.
One night, at dinner, he proposed an affair. I nearly fell off my chair—my face heated up. Someone wants to sleep with me?? For fun?? Me, who has been with the same man for almost thirty-five years? Me, who has been thinking about leaving and finding my own life for years?? Is it that obvious?
It happened—and it was supposed to be a fling. I fell in love with this man, a married man. Unhappily married, like me.
I left my husband, NOT for this man, who will never be mine completely, but because he made me remember what being wanted is really like. My husband had always been there for me, but the fire had never really been there, and it was like sleeping with my brother, if you know what I mean. Platonic, polite to each other, but real love? More like convenience.
I am now newly single. We’ve sold the home and I am off to a new life—an apartment and my first experience alone, ever. I am also doing a big job swap and am looking to fill my time with something “mindless,” as my own business sapped me dry for waaay too long—twenty-six years. I am scared silly, meeting the monthlies all alone and still having a life seems daunting.
And yes, he’s still in my life. He’s independent, a smart, articulate, capable man, who is STILL married. And always will be, ’til death parts them.
The reality is, I’m happy. I know I’ll go my own way, and soon, as I hope to live and ski in the American West next winter, but right now, I’m happy. It’s NO commitment, just a relationship based on mutual need and desire. Something I’d thought was lost to me long ago.
I am friends with my ex. He knows about this relationship and hates it, as does my entire family, but I’m a big girl, and I know what I’m doing; at least to the point that I feel I can leave it when it’s time.
So, that’s me, but that’s not all of me. Not by a long shot. Animal lover and advocate, volunteer, amateur genealogist, sister, daughter, business owner, friend. I am learning more about who I am and how strong I can be, every day. Thank God for life.
