“When I die, I want to come back as a gay man.” Chances are, you’ve either heard this, thought it, or God forbid even said it at one time or another. It’s true that we gay men lead fabulous lives. But why not incorporate a little knowledge learned from us into your own life now, taking advantage of our decadent lifestyle without rolling the dice on the afterlife?
Many women who want to “come back” first experience this phenomenon when surrounded by well-maintained, deliciously-scented men who appear to be having the time of their lives while listening to Top Forty pop tunes. What is this place? Mecca?
Close. These women are in a local establishment known as The Gay Bar. This mysterious land is a place you’ve likely never considered going after work for an hour or two of happiness simply because you thought there was nothing there for you to pick up on. Au contraire! Many women never get to experience the euphoria of being in a room filled with well-groomed, hard-muscled studs who understand the value of a good moisturizer and hair product as well as (if not better than) they do. The smart (and lucky) women will take the bull by the balls and head to their friendly, local rainbow-sporting establishment with an open mind. These lassies often leave with an arsenal of knowledge that applies to all men, gay or straight. (Especially if they get tanked enough to ask a few choice questions.) If you haven’t yet made the pilgrimage to one of your local gay bars, I highly recommend it. Besides, there’s always a token straight man there to humor a gay friend. Make it a scavenger hunt and see if you can find him. Hint: avoid anyone with better highlights than you.
Now, before you go, you should know what to expect so you don’t look like this is your first sip from the gay milk bowl. You’ll probably notice the music first, long before you walk through the door. It will most likely be by Kelly Clarkson, Cher, Janet Jackson, Kylie Minogue, or a remix of one of your favorite ‘80s dance tunes. Note: If you happen to hear something resembling Coldplay you should question the gayness of this bar, or of the friend who brought you there. We don’t do slow and somber.
Once inside, you’ll see that the drinks are flowing, people are dancing they’re asses off, and you’ll find that it’s perfectly acceptable for a man with a beard to be drinking a Cosmo. The music will be even louder than some of the outfits you’ll see and everyone will be having the time of their lives.
At this point, you may start to wonder why the hell aren’t straight bars this fun? No worries. This is a perfectly normal reaction. Forge ahead and be aware of your surroundings. Remember, this is different than a straight bar. You may overhear someone speaking in such a high-pitched shrill that you’ll wonder when the Marc Jacobs handbag will fall from his mouth. But don’t let this divert your attention from the reason you’re really here. Wait, why are you here again?
Because men know what men want. A straight guy can give you pointers until he’s blue in the face about how to get a man’s attention but let’s be honest. In the end, he’s not trying to get a man’s attention, now is he? Sure there are games to be played, even with same sex relationships. But in most cases, men are pretty forward when they see someone they’re interested in.
And bold! One day I was innocently sitting at home watching a movie with a friend when my doorbell rang. I went to the door to find a guy asking for Darren. I assumed he was trying to sell me something. Even though I hate door-to-door sales people, I reluctantly told him that “Darren” was me. The next thing I knew, he was all smiles and said, “Hi, I’m Chris, you know, Chris from the ad.” What? Granted, I live in San Francisco but I had not ordered a Chris. He was cute though, so I played along for a while. Eventually he realized he had the wrong house. A straight man would realize his mistake and walk away. But not the gay man, not Chris. He didn’t care. He pressed on to find out what I was doing that night (unfortunately, it wasn’t Chris).
