“When I die, I want to come back as a gay man.” Chances are, you’ve either heard this, thought it, or God forbid even said it at one time or another. It’s true that we gay men lead fabulous lives. But why not incorporate a little knowledge learned from us into your own life now, taking advantage of our decadent lifestyle without rolling the dice on the afterlife?
Many women who want to “come back” first experience this phenomenon when surrounded by well-maintained, deliciously-scented men who appear to be having the time of their lives while listening to Top Forty pop tunes. What is this place? Mecca?
Close. These women are in a local establishment known as The Gay Bar. This mysterious land is a place you’ve likely never considered going after work for an hour or two of happiness simply because you thought there was nothing there for you to pick up on. Au contraire! Many women never get to experience the euphoria of being in a room filled with well-groomed, hard-muscled studs who understand the value of a good moisturizer and hair product as well as (if not better than) they do. The smart (and lucky) women will take the bull by the balls and head to their friendly, local rainbow-sporting establishment with an open mind. These lassies often leave with an arsenal of knowledge that applies to all men, gay or straight. (Especially if they get tanked enough to ask a few choice questions.) If you haven’t yet made the pilgrimage to one of your local gay bars, I highly recommend it. Besides, there’s always a token straight man there to humor a gay friend. Make it a scavenger hunt and see if you can find him. Hint: avoid anyone with better highlights than you.
Now, before you go, you should know what to expect so you don’t look like this is your first sip from the gay milk bowl. You’ll probably notice the music first, long before you walk through the door. It will most likely be by Kelly Clarkson, Cher, Janet Jackson, Kylie Minogue, or a remix of one of your favorite ‘80s dance tunes. Note: If you happen to hear something resembling Coldplay you should question the gayness of this bar, or of the friend who brought you there. We don’t do slow and somber.
Once inside, you’ll see that the drinks are flowing, people are dancing they’re asses off, and you’ll find that it’s perfectly acceptable for a man with a beard to be drinking a Cosmo. The music will be even louder than some of the outfits you’ll see and everyone will be having the time of their lives.
At this point, you may start to wonder why the hell aren’t straight bars this fun? No worries. This is a perfectly normal reaction. Forge ahead and be aware of your surroundings. Remember, this is different than a straight bar. You may overhear someone speaking in such a high-pitched shrill that you’ll wonder when the Marc Jacobs handbag will fall from his mouth. But don’t let this divert your attention from the reason you’re really here. Wait, why are you here again?
Because men know what men want. A straight guy can give you pointers until he’s blue in the face about how to get a man’s attention but let’s be honest. In the end, he’s not trying to get a man’s attention, now is he? Sure there are games to be played, even with same sex relationships. But in most cases, men are pretty forward when they see someone they’re interested in.
And bold! One day I was innocently sitting at home watching a movie with a friend when my doorbell rang. I went to the door to find a guy asking for Darren. I assumed he was trying to sell me something. Even though I hate door-to-door sales people, I reluctantly told him that “Darren” was me. The next thing I knew, he was all smiles and said, “Hi, I’m Chris, you know, Chris from the ad.” What? Granted, I live in San Francisco but I had not ordered a Chris. He was cute though, so I played along for a while. Eventually he realized he had the wrong house. A straight man would realize his mistake and walk away. But not the gay man, not Chris. He didn’t care. He pressed on to find out what I was doing that night (unfortunately, it wasn’t Chris).
Chris is a good example of how gay men operate. When a gay man sees something he wants, he goes for it. The straight man does too, but the gay man—well, let’s just say he takes it to another level. Take the daily gym visit, for example. Say you’re in a steam room or taking a shower next to someone you fancy. They’re butt-naked, you like what you see, and nature takes its course. Can you help it that people have needs? I rest my case.
You may be saying, “Wait, that isn’t fair, we don’t share a locker room with men.” (Yet another reason it’s good to be gay.) Touché! But you are in that type of environment every time you go out on the prowl. The difference is in how aggressively you pursue it. Men are hunters. You should be too. My point is, go for it if you want it. Life is too short. Don’t whore yourself out if you don’t want to, but don’t hold back either. It amazes me that women still wait for men to make the first move. And the second…and sometimes the third. What if gay men did that? Talk about frustration!
In fact, one reason gay men are so sexually liberated is because they learned to take action to get what they want. Flattery will get you everywhere. You’re such a lovely mystery to us that it boggles the male mind. We can’t figure out what’s going on in there. But if you make yourself and your interest known, everyone can move on and not waste an evening lusting after someone they may never see again. It’s easy. Just pretend you have balls.
Now admittedly, women can learn a lot from gay men and that’s likely the reason they like having us around as best friends. But if I had to come up with a top ten list of things women can take away from today’s man in the gay bar, it would look something like this:
1. Wear really tight clothing. Shop at baby Gap or raid your little brother’s closet. He’ll outgrow that t-shirt in a few weeks anyway but you’ll be able to rock it all season.
2. Ban yourself from straight bars for a weekend. You’ve been there every weekend for the last year. Give it a rest. Maybe they’ll miss you. As an experiment, pull a Jane Goodall and observe the gays in their natural habitat to pick up a few pointers of things you can try, or to simply get a friendly reminder on talents lost.
3. Drink. Drink a lot. After you lose all inhibitions and dance to all the songs you wish you heard in the straight bars, ask the locals what they like about being gay. Take note because when you least expect it these words will pop back into your head and give you encouragement to go out on a limb.
4. While at the bar, revel in the fact that the buff bartender may also be a hairdresser who tells you he can’t wait to get his hands on your locks. When does that happen in a straight bar? Enjoy it, take the compliment, maybe feel his muscles. You know you want to. Think of how many times you’ve passed up that opportunity in a straight bar for fear of looking too eager.
5. Laugh. One of the reasons gay men appear to be having more fun is simply because they appear to be having more fun. Inside we’ve got the same cauldron of emotions swirling as everyone else. We just choose to dance and laugh off the pain. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and they head to Match.com.
6. Offer to pay. One of my friends asked me when I first came out how you know who pays for the check on a gay date. At the time I told her that sometimes we go Dutch and sometimes we take turns picking up the entire check. Consider doing the same. You’re a modern woman, right?
7. If you want him, tell him. There’s a time and place for playing coy. That place is not when you’re pressed against the door with his hand on your bra hook. Maybe you think you should be a good girl. Whatever! Maybe you should think about that tomorrow.
8. Shake off the guilt. Need I say more? When was the last time you heard a gay may say, “I really should not have…” If it happens, it happens. Get over it and move on.
So the moral of the gay man’s story is live a little. You may not have the pleasure of coming back as a gay man in your next life. You might come back as a tree, or worse, a hamster. Your gay boy dreams might never come true so you should seize the day, or carpe deum as they say in Dead Poets Society. Which interestingly enough took place in an all boy’s high school.
Coincidence? I think not.