I was watching an episode of South Park the other night. One of the characters, Mrs. Garrison, was fed up with men and decided to become a lesbian. At first, she had a hard time imagining what sex between two lesbians looked like. Other characters in the episode had a hard time imagining it, too. Each of them just said, “Well, maybe they just scissor or something …” before trailing off. Maybe they just scissor or something? What?
When they finally showed two women having sex, it was crude and laughable. Of course, South Park’s sole purpose is to be crude and laughable, but as I watched the two characters having sex, I was horrified. Do people really think this is how lesbians have sex? I laughed nervously and looked at my friends, wondering if they were trying to picture me with my girlfriend, frantically scissoring away.
“I don’t do that!” I said, quickly, too quickly probably. “I mean, there is something we do that kinda resembles that, but …” Now it was my turn to trail off. I don’t really want my friends imagining me having sex at all, but I certainly don’t want them imaging me scissoring or something.
I am a very shy and modest person. Sex is something I don’t like to really talk about at all, much less write about for thousands of strangers. But I have some gay pride, and I don’t want everyone thinking these bizarre things about what lesbians actually do in bed.
I certainly don’t represent all lesbians—many of my friends make fun of me for being vanilla, which means … I guess vanilla is the straight equivalent of missionary. Since I live in San Francisco, to many other lesbians, I seem to be pretty conservative sex-wise, since there is a pretty heavy S&M scene, sex clubs, sex parties, lots and lots of sex toys, local porn, and pretty much anything you can think of. This is their opinion, mind you. I like to think that I don’t need all the bells and whistles just to make things interesting.
I have been on the girl team for nearly half of my life now, so I do know a thing or two. As much as I am blushing right now and worrying about what my co-workers will think of me after they read this, I feel it is my civic duty to give all of you at least a glimpse into the lesbian bedroom. You can impress all your gay friends with your new found knowledge, and be the envy of all your straight friends by being in the know about the wonderful world of lesbian sex. You’ve heard of street-cred? Well, here’s your lez-cred.
Lesbians Do Not Have Long Fingernails
Contrary to every lesbian porn movie ever made, lesbians do not have long, red fingernails flashing as they giggle in bed with thirty dildos around them. This stuff is put out by men for men, and has no basis in reality. In fact, there is a joke about this in the gay world—What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single.
Over the years, when talking to my non-lesbian friends, if I mention that I “fucked” a girl, I get a blank stare. I can see the gears grinding in their minds … how … I mean, if there is no penis … ummm … but, how? Listen people, lesbians fuck—women like to be penetrated, it doesn’t matter if they are gay or straight. Most lesbians fuck, and they use their fingers, and it’s not nice to have long fingernails when doing that. Got it? I don’t have to draw you a map, right?
Lesbian Oral Sex
I think most people can wrap their minds around the concept of oral sex—even straight folks do it, even if it can’t compare to how well lesbians can do it (sorry guys!). When people think of lesbian sex, I am pretty sure this is the first thing that comes to mind. But this is not something that you do on a first date with someone you hardly even know. Sure, some people have no boundaries, but as a rule, this is not the immediate go-to.
Oral sex is very intimate. It can enhance strong feelings that already exist between two people. Lesbians don’t drop down on every girl they meet. They save that for monogamous relationships and for people they love (or think they love).
And real oral sex is not lesbo porno tongue. It’s not a race and it’s not an attack. I really listen and pay attention to what a woman’s body is telling me—women will show you through body language what feels good. Slow down and take notice!
