I was watching an episode of South Park the other night. One of the characters, Mrs. Garrison, was fed up with men and decided to become a lesbian. At first, she had a hard time imagining what sex between two lesbians looked like. Other characters in the episode had a hard time imagining it, too. Each of them just said, “Well, maybe they just scissor or something …” before trailing off. Maybe they just scissor or something? What?
When they finally showed two women having sex, it was crude and laughable. Of course, South Park’s sole purpose is to be crude and laughable, but as I watched the two characters having sex, I was horrified. Do people really think this is how lesbians have sex? I laughed nervously and looked at my friends, wondering if they were trying to picture me with my girlfriend, frantically scissoring away.
“I don’t do that!” I said, quickly, too quickly probably. “I mean, there is something we do that kinda resembles that, but …” Now it was my turn to trail off. I don’t really want my friends imagining me having sex at all, but I certainly don’t want them imaging me scissoring or something.
I am a very shy and modest person. Sex is something I don’t like to really talk about at all, much less write about for thousands of strangers. But I have some gay pride, and I don’t want everyone thinking these bizarre things about what lesbians actually do in bed.
I certainly don’t represent all lesbians—many of my friends make fun of me for being vanilla, which means … I guess vanilla is the straight equivalent of missionary. Since I live in San Francisco, to many other lesbians, I seem to be pretty conservative sex-wise, since there is a pretty heavy S&M scene, sex clubs, sex parties, lots and lots of sex toys, local porn, and pretty much anything you can think of. This is their opinion, mind you. I like to think that I don’t need all the bells and whistles just to make things interesting.
I have been on the girl team for nearly half of my life now, so I do know a thing or two. As much as I am blushing right now and worrying about what my co-workers will think of me after they read this, I feel it is my civic duty to give all of you at least a glimpse into the lesbian bedroom. You can impress all your gay friends with your new found knowledge, and be the envy of all your straight friends by being in the know about the wonderful world of lesbian sex. You’ve heard of street-cred? Well, here’s your lez-cred.
Lesbians Do Not Have Long Fingernails
Contrary to every lesbian porn movie ever made, lesbians do not have long, red fingernails flashing as they giggle in bed with thirty dildos around them. This stuff is put out by men for men, and has no basis in reality. In fact, there is a joke about this in the gay world—What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single.
Over the years, when talking to my non-lesbian friends, if I mention that I “fucked” a girl, I get a blank stare. I can see the gears grinding in their minds … how … I mean, if there is no penis … ummm … but, how? Listen people, lesbians fuck—women like to be penetrated, it doesn’t matter if they are gay or straight. Most lesbians fuck, and they use their fingers, and it’s not nice to have long fingernails when doing that. Got it? I don’t have to draw you a map, right?
Lesbian Oral Sex
I think most people can wrap their minds around the concept of oral sex—even straight folks do it, even if it can’t compare to how well lesbians can do it (sorry guys!). When people think of lesbian sex, I am pretty sure this is the first thing that comes to mind. But this is not something that you do on a first date with someone you hardly even know. Sure, some people have no boundaries, but as a rule, this is not the immediate go-to.
Oral sex is very intimate. It can enhance strong feelings that already exist between two people. Lesbians don’t drop down on every girl they meet. They save that for monogamous relationships and for people they love (or think they love).
And real oral sex is not lesbo porno tongue. It’s not a race and it’s not an attack. I really listen and pay attention to what a woman’s body is telling me—women will show you through body language what feels good. Slow down and take notice!
Lesbian Bed Death
You have probably never even heard of this before, but it is common knowledge in the lesbian world. Basically, as time goes on, lesbians are known to not have sex as much, and ultimately get to the point of not having sex at all. I know this happens in marriages and in the straight world, but it is very common in the girl world. Many couples just end up cuddling and spooning, and hanging out with their dogs, I guess. This hasn’t happened to me, so I am just an innocent bystander reporting this to you.
The Clitoris
I often wonder how many straight women go through life without ever having an orgasm. It makes me sad that so many people are in such denial about what causes women to come. It is possible through straight penetrative sex, but rather unlikely, considering a woman actually orgasms through her clit, not her vagina.
There is a point during penetrative sex where a woman feels like she is coming, or feels like she is done having sex, but technically, there is nothing orgasmic about the vagina. A woman can come from penetrative sex, but it is because a man’s pubic bone is rubbing against her or because he is stimulating the clitoris in some way.
Think about it like this. A man comes from stimulating his penis by friction. The way he masturbates is similar to the way his penis is stimulated in the vagina. When a woman masturbates—not a porn woman, but a real woman—she doesn’t come from fucking herself, she comes from stimulating her clitoris.
The clitoris has as many nerve endings as the penis—they are congruent. This kind of makes me chuckle a bit. Men have penises of course, but they also have prostates. Stimulating a prostate is like stimulating a woman’s G-spot, it can make men come harder and, well, better. But it is mostly only in gay relationships that the clitoris and the prostate are prominent players. Gay sex seems to be more geared towards pleasure, doesn’t it? But when you want to make babies, heterosexual sex can’t be topped. And just in case you are wondering—yes, lesbians use turkey basters.
The Elusive G-Spot, Female Ejaculation, and Multiple Orgasms
Lesbians have secret, time-honored practices concerning this subject. I would be in trouble if I revealed them to you. I am not sharing my field notes on this, but since inquiring minds want to know—yes, the G-Spot is very real; yes, female ejaculation is possible (and pretty cool); and yes, multiple orgasms are achievable.
Boobs 101
From what I have gathered over the years, it seems like men don’t spend much time with women’s breasts during sex. Maybe they rush through it because there isn’t something for them in it, or maybe, since they don’t have breasts, they don’t get how much better sex can be when you really include breasts in the picture.
I am a boob man. I make no secret of this. I think they are some of the most wonderful things on this earth. I have spent many (many!) hours figuring out what works and doesn’t work. And what have I learned? There is no secret—every woman is different. Some women want their breasts touched, some women say they can even come from having their breasts touched, and some women don’t want you to go there at all (which saddens me).
The only rhyme and reason I have seen to this is that women with small breasts seem to be way more sensitive to touch. Some don’t want them touched at all because of this. Some, you have to go easy on. You might think that lesbians have cornered the market on boob play, but every woman is truly different on this one. I will say however, that having four boobs in bed is more fun than two!
Let’s Get … Anal?
Most lesbians would die before they admitted to doing this or before they would do it. What else can I say? Bum’s the word.
And the Scissoring?
Since the beginning of time, gay or straight or not, people have engaged in the practice of frottage, which, in layman’s terms, is dry humping. We all know why we do it and why it feels good. I don’t need to go into it any further here.
Hold up your hands in front of you. Make like you are showing the number “two” on each hand. Basically, you have two upside-down pairs of women’s legs. Turn the “twos” toward each other and fit them together—it’s like putting two pairs of scissors together.
That’s where it comes from, but that’s all I am going to say about it. I am sure you can picture the rest—I already have enough to blush about when facing my colleagues in the hall.