I’ve never felt this way, it feels so bad and wrong but at the same time. Gosh it feels so good, I could be with this person forever! No wait what am I thinking I have so much I have to worry about, so much I’m trying to accomplish no one will take me seriously if I continue to see this person, no one knows and I can’t let them find out. I want to be with this person though I know it’s not right but I want to be happy. She makes me happy.
So my whole life I’ve only ever dated guys, that’s how it’s supposed to be right? Girls fall in love with boys and boys fall in love girls it’s only normal, right? I mean sure there were those experiments in high school when we were all curious of what it was like so it was a one time thing that we totally did then forgot it the next day and never spoke of it again. I don’t know anymore, for the first time I’m just completely speechless and at a loss of words that can express my feelings and thoughts in the utmost intelligent way possible. Around her I’m not the same, I can’t be the same “always have to be right, always prove everyone wrong, and always catch ‘em in their contradictions” kinda person. It’s just another whole side of me that she brings out. I can’t believe it actually, I mean no guy has been able to do that before.
So like I’m really girly, I think everything I own is pink and well you pretty much get it, however I’m not the “dumb blonde” that people usually label me as cause after five minutes of talking to me they can see there’s way more than just a pretty face to me. She see’s that she understands that I want to get to the top by intelligence and not look’s, she’s so positive towards my every goal and believes in me. Not very many people have, besides my mom. That’s another thing stopping me from seeing her: my mother. I know my mom would accept it, she only has ever wanted to see me happy. I’m not sure if I could do it though I wouldn’t want to know or have it in the back of my mind that it’s killing my mom on the inside, even though she’s smiling on the outside. I don’t know maybe she really would accept it like she say’s she would.
It started out as a friendship, I always knew she was, well gay. It was pretty obvious she’s more the athletic type lets just say she has a lot in common with guys. I don’t like the word “butch.” It sounds so... wrong I mean she’s a girl a beautiful girl and that’s all there is to it. Never had a boyfriend and I guess she just always knew she was attracted to girls. At first when we became friends it was awkward when we like went shopping together or like went to the movies, I always wanted to take someone with us so that people wouldn’t misinterpret what it was. I just always was really weird about it but then after a while it was normal and nothing bothered me anymore we became really good friends and then turned into a best friend relationship she was awesome we could talk about anything, I told her about special guy’s in my life and well she would listen and always give me really good advice, she knew of all the guys that pretty much did me really wrong and she just always told me to be careful. I’m not sure how it turned into something more one day I looked at her with different eyes I saw her differently, and from that moment on my life is so different. I’m not really sure what going to happen other friends tell me that it’s a phase I’m going through but it will pass. I don’t know. I’ve known her for two years and I still get butterflies even when we talk on the phone.
