I was married to a narcissist for the past fifteen years. He was so into himself that he never paid any attention to me or my needs. It was always about him. He had brainwashed me to the point where I believed that I was supposed to live for him. I couldn’t ever make him happy and therefore, it made me feel like a failure. I started becoming more and more depressed, to the point where my heart finally gave up trying. My body gave up as well, and started to shut down on me. I was no longer hungry so I just quit eating; I barely drank. Wasn’t tired, so I didn’t sleep. Wasn’t noticed by my husband, so I stopped bathing. My hair started to fall out after three months of this stage, as well did my clothes. My children were begging me to play with them, but I couldn’t hear them.
But one thing still sticks out. One day, my ex finally talked to me before he left for work. He said that he had been noticing something, and wanted to bring it to my attention. I figured he was concerned for my health, but I was wrong! He looked at me, and said, “I noticed that the house is getting dirty, could you please clean it?” I started to really snap out of my depression at that point! I started hearing the kids begging me to play with them! I then decided that it was time that I lived for me! So, I then went to see an attorney and had the paperwork drawn up to start the divorce proceedings!
It’s hard now, because while in the marriage, it was never a normal marriage! We slept in separate rooms most of the time. I spent holidays, and weekends without him, vacations too. I was mostly alone alot of the time, and therefore extremely lonely! I still struggle with a lot of the programming that he had done to my head, and all the lies he had said to me over the years. The infidelity he caused during the marriage and broken promises he made to me over and over throughout the entire marriage!
I’m broken from all the pain he caused, and don’t think I will ever truly heal from all the damage. I have forgiven him, and moved on with my life, but the after effects are still there somewhat, and I feel I may always deal with them! But at least I no longer have to walk around on pins and needles each and every day wondering what I will be blamed for next, or the next time I have to have sex with a man who just made me feel cheap and dirty. I will no longer have to get my hopes up thinking we’ll go on a vacation, or go out for a night on the town, just to have him later turn to me and tell me that he changed his mind again and again! I won’t ever have to worry if he’s pleased with me, if I would ever be good enough, or that anything I do is good enough ever again! I won’t ever have to hear him scream at me, or tell me how much I disappointed him for this or that. I won’t ever feel the cringe, which I felt when ever the garage door opened or when he’d walk down the stairs, and I would hear the floor creak.
I will be happy for me now! I will go on to be somebody now! I will have a life that I so righteously deserve! I will be proud of the person I am, and work hard on becoming the person that I want to be in the future! I will live a happy life!! I will have it all! I will be whole within me! And I will make a difference in the world, and one day, many people will know it and see it for themselves!
