So, the other day I discovered I play a mean air guitar. I was goofing around in front of the mirror, and I tried it out, while some Beatles riff played in the background, and I have to say—I impressed myself. I threw in an extra high note with the whammy bar, just for kicks.
Now there is a lot in that first paragraph to talk about, and I’m not really sure where to start. I guess I’ll start with what’s really important: I don’t play electric guitar. I play acoustic. I have classical training, so I usually sit and play with my guitar on my left leg, even though I rarely play an actual classical guitar or classical music any more. It’s just habit, and it works for me. So what I’m saying here is that, when I play a real guitar, I look like a classical musician, not a rock star.
However, I have recently had a few dates with a very cool guy who is, in reality, something of a rock star. He plays an actual electric guitar. And in my air guitar moment, I was having fun, the same as I am with this guy. He asked me about single motherhood the other day, asking me how it works to date while being a single parent. And I gave him my true answer: for most of my son’s life so far, dating has been pretty nearly impossible, and it has been difficult to have any sort of life of my own. And this guy made a comment that has rung in my head for the past several days, “That’s how adults play.”
It is, indeed, how adults play. In the early months as a single parent (and let’s face it, the forty weeks of pregnancy prior to it need to be added to that time), I experienced a steady and inevitable descent into my inner life and a cocoon focused on the home and support of our physical lives and needs. It hasn’t been bad, just not fun. But as Isaac has gotten progressively more independent and expressive, and as my ability to manage all of it has improved, my ability to engage with life is coming back. Every few months, I’ll rise another level in my functioning and in my enjoyment of my life. In the past six weeks, I have begun to play again, in all sorts of ways, and it feels so damn good. I’m at a new level, and it shows in all sorts of ways. I’m not writing my angst so much anymore; I’m playing air guitar (which I’ve never done); I’m writing some fiction these days (which I’ve never done well before); I’m playing with Isaac in a new way, not so much lost in thought and going through the motions but really having fun with him. And I’m dating someone cool. I’m dating, and it doesn’t feel like a burden, like one more thing I need to find time and energy to do at the end of an exhausting day. How cool is that?
I know that many, if not all, mothers go through something similar in the early days of motherhood. Putting on make-up, fixing the hair, being playful are luxuries that don’t stand a chance when pitted against the possibility of five more minutes of sleep. Going out to dinner? Watching a whole movie? Sex? Forget about it. Maybe it’s just Mother Nature’s contribution to birth control effectiveness. But it’s a harsh reality for both mothers and their partners. And while single parenthood is not in any way fun, I have to say that sometimes I’ve been relieved not to have to worry about how my partner is feeling about my lack of energy or my hunger to be alone or just how badly I need a haircut.
I remember one time, when Isaac was about six months old. I’d had a very bad day. It was one more day in many months of days where broken sleep had shattered my night, and I had work and errands and a cranky baby to deal with. I got out of the car with Isaac, carried him in one arm and my groceries in the other, and I walked toward the house looking for someone to be angry with. In that moment, I knew that if I had a partner, I’d be angry at him. It wouldn’t really matter if there wasn’t a reason…I just wanted to be good and pissed off at somebody for just how crappy I felt and how much I had to do. I think I may even have managed a smile at just how funny that was. No wonder marriages suffer when there’s a small child around, I thought. It’s a slog at times.
