A few days ago, I found myself at the health food store, flipping through the magazines, when a name caught my eye. That name was Dr. Alvera Vayzer-Milberg, Kosher Wholesome Sensuality Goddess. I only had time to register the name before it was my turn at the checkout and I had to stop reading, but my interest was piqued enough that I Googled “kosher sex” as soon as I got home. I pored over the search results for hours, fascinated and barely believing what I was reading.
The most riveting find was a link to a book by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (great name, right?) entitled Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with your Spouse. He tore down every misconception I had previously held about Jewish laws regarding sexuality. Every time I drove through Williamsburg, in Brooklyn, and saw the Chasidim bundled up in the most un-arousing of garments, even in the heat of summer, I figured that their sex lives were just about as exciting as their frumpy garb. But Boteach points out that there is freedom and thrill within Talmudic restraints.
According to him, the Talmud allows for any sexual act to which the wife consents. And that really does mean anything, including sex toys, role-play, and even anal intercourse. Under Jewish tradition, the responsibility for sexual pleasure falls upon the husband—a true Talmudic scholar must carry out the desires of his wife. The law of Onah states that a man must give his wife pleasure whenever she desires, even if that means two or more times daily. He must kiss his wife before, during, and after intercourse, prolonging the act for as long as it takes for her to reach orgasm. Also according to the Talmud, a husband should remain inside his wife after ejaculation, so that she feels his love for her continue beyond sheer physical gratification.
The most striking thing I read concerns the period of Nidah, or separation of the family unit around the woman’s menstrual period (five days during and seven days afterward). I had always assumed that this was because the woman was considered too dirty or impure to come in contact with men during that time. But this is not entirely so. There is an additional function of Nidah: spacing sexual relations to prevent habituation. That way, the sex act is discovered anew every month, as if the couple were virgins or new lovers (which amounts to the same thing in Orthodox Judaism). The woman is immersed in a ritual bath, a symbol of rebirth, so that she comes to the sexual experience with all the eagerness of a first-time lover. Rabbi Boteach encourages couples to follow the practice of covering their nakedness during the period of Nidah, as it allows them to rediscover each other’s bodies. By doing so, the curve of a breast or a hidden mole can suddenly elicit renewed and heightened levels of arousal.
In addition to practicing abstinence during Nidah, Kosher Adultery offers a plethora of ways to spice up your sex life. This is stuff I would expect from Cosmo or Dr. Ruth, but I’m amused (and, I admit, slightly embarrassed) to see it coming from an Orthodox rabbi. Boteach suggests having a secret email affair with your spouse, stroking each other underneath a blanket in public places, and exploring each other under the table of a restaurant while maintaining composed aspects. I blush to think about the strait-laced denizens of Williamsburg actually following these recommendations.
Boteach’s writings on kosher sexuality are intriguing for their shock value, but I think the essence of his work is quite profound. We tend to compartmentalize spirituality and sexuality, but in reality, they complement each other. Our ability to connect on a deeper level than the physical raises us up from the animal realm and, ironically, heightens that physical experience. Dr. Gina Ogden, sex therapist and developer of the ISIS (Integrating Sexuality and Spirituality) Survey, reports that 82 percent of women view sex as a mystical union, allowing them to simultaneously become one with God and their partner. Rabbi Boteach brings sex into the shul. Perhaps we should also learn from him how to create holiness in the bedroom.
