Here I am, single at thirty-four, and I meet a lot of guys. Some guys I like, some I am not sure of, and some just I don’t like. I was in a relationship for six years and we broke up in 2002. Every since then I have not be in steady, consistent relationship. Everyone who comes in now, I really give a hard time. I have to guard my heart because I have been hurt to the point of wanting to commit suicide. I am a woman and I have insecurities. At times, I feel like I am not good enough for any man. My age range of men is scarce because they are all still clubbing and looking for someone “right now.” How can I give my whole self when I feel very uncomfortable with someone? My mother is controlling and very critical of my sister and me. We are all insecure to the point where we tend to settle for what we know we don’t want.
I met this guy back in December and he comes around. Last night, my kids were gone and I wanted company—just talk and sleep next to. So I let him into my house. Now my house is not the mansion I want. It’s falling apart. I let him into my bedroom. I have to share my space with my children because my brother and his four kids and wife moved in with me and my kids. I did not feel comfortable last nigh. He asked me to give him a hug and we had sex. It was good but it was not enough for me. I got up and had to take two sleeping pills to go to sleep because my min d was racing with all these thoughts.
Throughout the night he would hold me and then he would turn his back. He was snoring very loudly. So I woke up and he woke up. When I woke up, I could not even look a him. I felt so stupid for letting him in. Then, on top of my own internal mess, he calls me crazy and asks me if I smoke or do drugs. I told him no. I am so sick of these guys who think they are just perfect. He is no good for me at all. I am in a bad state of mind and all of my insecurities are out in the open for everyone who really does not know me to judge and say I am crazy. I know crazy people and I am not crazy. The definition of crazy is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. I was crazy at once and now I see he is no good for me at all.
