In All Honesty

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Pertaining to honest relationships and in my experience as a Tantra teacher, the most frequent question I receive from couples regarding monogamy is about suspicion of a partner’s attraction to or affairs with other men or women. The most common response of a partner is the anger of rejection, deception, and/or “I’m not special enough to be the only one you want.” Yet this ego-driven response repertoire—like all emotional reactions—is just a thought. While discussing these topics, thought-emotions may be visceral in your body and seemingly tangible in the energetic field between you and your partner, yet if the intention of your relationship is truth, then you’ve arrived at a shining moment in your shared path where you both can be together, loving and supporting each other as you feel and look directly at this anger while it dissolves into something no less divine yet more sublime. A stillness arises and you are truly together, one beyond the illusion of human drama.

I write on this topic from my personal experience. And though I have established a loving, monogamous relationship, I have experienced attraction to other men and the desire to be looked at by them, both of which my partner sensed and asked me about one night, after he watched me flirt with another man at the Cheesecake Factory. And can I just tell you? We stayed up until 4 a.m. as I ruthlessly lied and denied it—of course, to spare my partner’s feelings, as well as to eliminate the risk of him leaving me on the spot.

And guess what? Once I had the courage to say, “Yes, I flirted with the guy”—all of the tension in the space between me and my lover dropped away. Sitting quietly in presence and watching the emotions for nearly an hour, we had reached a new depth of intimacy. We knew at that point that if one of us wanted to be with other people, we could. It was the intention for truth that revealed a commitment to the relationship we truly desired. From that point forward, the social taboo of attraction to others, seen for what it was, held no power over us.

Nearly five years later, I remember that sacred night with profound reverence for truth. One moment of being honest, even with so much on the line, released me from a lifetime of fear-based lying to myself and my lovers. If my partner’s innate truth detector had not ignited mine, I might never have written this today. The most exhilarating relationship journeys may begin with some fear, but believe you me: honesty is not a lonely word.