I recently started dating a new guy. Everything is great and all, but he talks about his ex-girlfriend a lot. They broke up seven months ago; she dumped him via SMS then went out with a new guy two days later. I ask him why he talks about her and he says he is just venting, because he thought what she did was cruel and heartless.
They were only together like three months, but she was his “first” (if you get me). He tells me that he is totally in love with me, he was only “love struck” by her and that I’m much better than her and he hates her now. Whenever I get mad at him for mentioning her, he stops but it always comes up again.
I don’t get why he is still mentioning her. I was with a guy for two years and that ended badly too (abuse), but I almost never bring him up. Why is he still going on about this girl? I don’t think he still likes her but I don’t know why he is still bringing her up even after all this time.
Venting is a normal human reaction, but (behold the underlining truth) three months is a long time to vent. While she may have done something cruel and heartless to him, that is no reason for him to be cruel and heartless to you.
Every time he vents he relives the pain of his past relationship and unfortunately makes you watch. She was cruel to him over seven months ago; he has been cruel to himself ever since. Why give her so much power? Makes you wonder if he still has feeling for her? The answer is yes, even if it isn’t love. He has feelings of pain, anger, and resentment. That has no place in your relationship with him. Explain to him that you after that you don’t want her hurting him or you anymore.
Let him know that it is healthier for him and your relationship if he lets this pain go. Tell him he gets one long, epic rant. He can curse, shout, complain, and even whine about her. You will be there to hear him, love him, comfort him, and be understanding. But that is it. In the future it’s just you and him. His ex and feelings about his ex are in the past. Let them stay there.
Exception: if he needs to use her or any other ex as an example to improve his relationship with you, e.g. I don’t like it when you … because X use to … (it’s difficult to explain feelings and former examples help. While exes do sometimes come up in new relationships,it should be very limited)
—Carolena
