When I was single (not such a long time ago!), there was a time when I used to look back at my previous relationships and dalliance and wonder how the hell I managed to always attract certain types of guys that brought certain types of issues. This cycle went on for most of my twenties and for a long time I used to think it was rather entertaining, but a most definitely frustrating coincidence. I went from an emotionally unavailable, controlling ex fiancé to a guy who thinks he’s giving me all of his emotions but forgot about the excess baggage of a girlfriend…to a guy who was hot and cold and just as emotionally unavailable as the OTHER guy who also shared his home with his ex-girlfriend, to ANOTHER guy who shared his home with his ex girlfriend, who had verbal diarrhea and was ALSO emotionally unavailable and physically unavailable because he lived miles and miles away…
I haven’t even touched on all of the crackerjacks that I encountered in between (the ones who approach me in a bar or a club, or I went on one date with). In my own eyes, my dating past looks utterly ridiculous, yet I can honestly say that maybe I was having a distinct run of bad luck.
It was juggling a mysterious immune system disease and my bad taste in men which eventually brought clarity to me about my own actions. It all made me so uncomfortable; it was like fighting to get out of my own skin. I was the common denominator in every single situation which actually made me at least partially responsible for my past. I had been bumbling through life, writing and telling stories about what seemed like a rather entertaining series of events that I had no control over or any responsibility and got left with the rather burning realization that until I took responsibility for who I was, where I had been and where I was going, jack shit was going to change.
As someone who found herself in a dark period for almost four years of my life, where I battled with sarcoidosis (an immune system disease that seems to manifest itself in all sorts of ways throughout the body), I am testament to the fact that if you bury your emotions, hide from yourself, hide from your past and hide from your present, one way or another, it will take it’s toll and manifest itself in some rather unpleasant ways. I could seem and act happy but if I wasn’t, the truth would show itself somehow.
Every day, I come across men and women (mostly women) who are putting themselves through all sorts of capers in the so-called pursuit of happiness, which is actually a pursuit of misery. There are a lot of us showing ourselves a distinct lack of self-love which puts us in the frontline of situations that are unhealthy for us. Many of us are taking chances on men who have no intention of taking any chances on us. There are a lot of weekend women, bit on the side, chuck a few crumbs when it suits women, who are letting emotionally unavailable men, cheaters and men who just don’t give a monkey’s ass wreak havoc in their lives. Look at this post at being the other women – it is shocking how many women have all pinned their hopes on the same bullshit story and the same misery rather than face being on their own, having a greater self-love and being available to good love in a good relationship.
When are we going to get it through our heads that unlike that line in Jerry Maguire, getting and keeping a man is not having someone to ‘complete you?’ It’s about being whole before you even get to him. Women need to stop marginalizing themselves to the status of ‘other woman’ or ‘mistreated woman’ and avoid these ‘pretend relationships’ where the guy makes us think that we’re in a relationship by throwing us just enough crumbs to keep us hooked.
