Dear Man Shrink,
I’ve been dating someone for about a month and I really like him. I think about him a lot and it’s hard to contain my excitement about seeing him and talking to him. However, I’m worried about scaring him away by seeming to be needy. He has been nothing but sweet to me, but I try very hard to give him space. I try not to call every day and I don’t ask to see him more than once or twice a week. The problem is that I would love to talk to him every day, and it’s sometimes difficult to hold off. It’s embarrassing. I’d also like to see more of him, but I don’t want him to feel smothered. How much is too much? How can I tell if my excitement over him freaks him out?—JP, Grand Rapids, MI
Dear JP,
Ahh, the maddening social dance of a new relationship. You’re overcome with excitement and trying not to show it. You don’t want to scare him off, so you try to bottle the lightening of passion. It’s the most ridiculous—and common—issue at the beginning of a relationship. You fall hard and fast for someone while doing your best to play it cool.
We need to talk about two levels of your situation—the psychological and the practical. Let’s get the heavy stuff out of the way first.
When we start falling for someone, we’re not attracted to the real person yet. The thing that stokes the fires of love early on is what psychoanalysts call projection. We meet someone with qualities we find desirable and then project all of our fantasies and longings onto that person. This is why a man you met a mere month ago is making you crazy. It’s not really him that’s keeping you awake at night; it’s what he represents. This can be a lot of different things, ranging from the benign to the downright sinister.
For example, you might be ready to get married and start a family and this guy, with his square-jawed maturity, amiable nature, and breathtaking good looks, has husband and father written all over him. There’s not a thing in the world wrong with getting excited about that. You just have to remember that he’s not really the one getting you all worked up—it’s the idea of finding love and a lifelong relationship. That is exciting and you shouldn’t feel ashamed. But just remember that if things work out, you’re going to meet the imperfect man that he really is. He’ll have opinions that bother you. He’s gonna leave the toilet seat up and create a urine-stain moat right where you put your feet. He’ll have friends and family that annoy you. Try to focus your excitement where it belongs—on your future and the potential that it holds.
Remember that a great relationship has a lot more to do with you and your strengths than the blind luck of finding the right man. Think about the qualities that make you a great catch. Not only will this increase your confidence and make you feel less “needy,” it will take the focus off winning him and move you toward evaluating him. Some people get so focused on snagging the object of their affection that they don’t make a good assessment of the person. Then, once the relationship solidifies, they realize that they’ve won over someone they didn’t really want.
This leads me to the sinister side of projection. If you have a history with men who aren’t good for you—whether family members or past boyfriends—you have to take time to reflect on why you like this guy. Some of us fall for someone that’s aloof or even mean because we’re trying to fix something from our past. If homeboy plays hard to get, think long and hard about why that turns you on. Imagine what things would be like if he was the one who seemed excited. If he called you on a regular basis, sent you flowers, and openly expressed affection, would you be falling so madly in love with him? If not, you might be trying to work out old issues. Some women have difficulty finding the right man because they’re preoccupied with turning the wrong man into a prince. They don’t realize that he’ll always be a toad in a leather jacket.
