Dear Man Shrink,
I’ve been seeing a man for about five months and it’s clear to me that the relationship isn’t headed anywhere. There’s nothing wrong with him. We just want different things from life (for example, I want one kid, he wants several) and we don’t have as much in common as I would like. I’ve found myself attracted to other men, and I’d rather just end things than sneak around behind his back.
Here’s the problem: I’ve never broken up with anyone before and this guy is crazy about me. He compliments me on everything from my looks to my sense of humor. He tells me how much he likes me all the time. I’ve been dumped a couple of times, but I’m thinking that being the “dumper” might be worse. Is there any way out of this without hurting his feelings? He’s not a bad guy at all and he’s mostly been nothing but sweet to me. How do I break up with him without sending him into the kind of funk I’ve gone into when someone dumps me? I think I’m going to feel worse than he does!—LM, Springfield, Missouri
Dear LM,
There’s an old saying that often accompanied corporal punishment: “This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.” If you were ever on the receiving end of that statement, you know what a big lie it is. No matter how guilty the butt-whipper feels, the butt-whippee is the one who can’t sit down for a week. Same thing applies in this situation, LM. I’m not saying you won’t feel awful. Just don’t have the audacity to tell him about it after you’ve handed him his walking papers.
Having said that, breaking up is never fun unless you’re dumping someone who’s been robbing you or cheating on you. Even then, you only get fleeting vengeful glee. Otherwise, it feels like you’re hurting a puppy. You crush someone’s fantasies, dismiss his dreams, and send him into a funk that lasts at least until the foliage changes color. Oh, wait—I was supposed to be making you feel better, wasn’t I? I’ll give it a shot in a second. For now, just realize that there is no way to make this easy or painless for either of you. It’s like pulling tape off hairy skin. Do it slow, do it fast, soak it in water, pick it apart—it’s going to hurt no matter what you do. Might as well go ahead and yank that sucker off.
Now, let’s see if I can do my job and make this a little easier for you.
If I had the address of every woman who’s ever dumped me (there aren’t that many … really), I would send each of them a big box of candy, a giant Teddy Bear, and a dozen roses. They would think I’d lost my mind until they read the card:
Dear Woman Who Dumped Me,
Thank you so much for giving me the boot. If you hadn’t, I might not be with the amazing, brilliant, white-hot woman who did me the honor of marrying me. I wouldn’t have the incredible children I do now. I probably wouldn’t even be living where I live and doing what I do, which would be a tragedy. So thanks for having the wisdom and the courage to end it.
Sincerely,
The Man Shrink
P.S. If I don’t get James Taylor’s Greatest Hits back in a week, my next article will be about when you didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. You know who you are.
Okay, they’d still think I’m a freak, but here’s my point: you are doing him a favor. Research shows that women make decisions about relationships based on long-term factors more than men do. Women think about things like family, stability, and everyday intimacy. Most guys are like, “She’s hot, she’s cool—let’s do this!” Women usually have more foresight when it comes to love and commitment. The women who broke up with me didn’t just get sick of me; they saw that they weren’t the woman I needed. Realizing that he isn’t right for you means that you also understand that you’re not right for him. You might even be saving him from dumping you a few months or years down the line.
