For my very first internet post, I am plying you with a slightly cleaner version of what was originally an email to friends who sometimes find me funny. It’s not so much of an article as a rant trying to motivate itself into a review. I hope you, Divine Caroline readers, are similarly amused.
So, I’m brain-dead at the moment with an awful lot to get done. It won’t be done today. I want to eat mountains of carbohydrates: rice, bread, homemade tortillas. Yet, my stomach feels awful—nauseous. (I’m not pregnant.) I am wearing a sweat outfit (fuck! I’m becoming my mother!!) but still wrapped in a wool blanket on the couch watching Wheel of Fortune. (Honestly, not pregnant!) I’m just trying to find hangover solace in this week’s Rite Aid circular and cheddar cheese. (I love my circulars.)
Then, perusing my circular, my feeble mind has to go and fixate on the KY Brand Liquibeads. What on earth are Liquibeads? Lube beads? Too weird to not lookup ... Plus, they’re on sale! Well, turns out the ol’ internet enlightened my knowledge of both mass marketed “intimacy aids” and intimacy in general today. Whaddya’ know. So, Liquibeads—don’t really need ‘em, not what I thought they were—cool. What is all this other stuff they make though? Warming, Tingling, and Intrigue? Hmmm. Now the whole warming and tingling thing has my attention—I tried a swab of some junk like this at one of those vibrator/Tupperware parties once. Yes, in/on my own junk. A friend made me. Interesting concept. I start reading about the various KY brand products. More interesting concepts: Waterproof lube? Not sure if that’s good or bad. Okay ...
Anyhow, I take the survey at the end of the site about sex or intimacy or something using answers based on old boyfriend. You know, “Do you sometimes feel lonely when your with your partner?” and “Would you say your partner completely understands you?” Answers are scored along a “strongly agree” to “strongly disagree” type axis. Not surprising, my answers were mostly neutral or negative, and that 92 percent of couples surveyed were more satisfied and more intimate than me. But hey, did I know that “getting my engine revving” is “literally at my fingertips” and I can start at my local retailer? Hell no—I guess I never thought about Rite Aid like that before. You can now bet I will be thinking about my friends at Rite Aid just a little more randily from now on. May the check-out clerk NOT be clairvoyant.
Ah, digressing as usual. See, the survey was an entertaining way to spend three minutes, yet a flimsy ad nonetheless ... What I write to you about today is the Intrigue website itself. They managed to make their FAQ’s kinda kinky for FAQ’s. Kinda. I got slightly irritated when they only mentioned that it’s men that live longer (without death from heart disease) by having regular sex. Hmph. Yet, it was there I learned about the waterproof factor. KY advocates “intimate showers and baths.” How humorous. Just apply your Intrigue to your “intimate areas” before you get in though, and be damn sure you don’t drop any on the floor and slip. I muse to myself, “How would one explain that to an E.R. nurse?” Oh yeah, the goo can apparently stain too. I’m not down with staining sheets if you don’t have to though. But, oh, the ways they thought to advise you on “mesmerizing” your partner ... They’re actually only half bad. Corny, but that’s okay for KY. I suppose a dirty note is about all they can suggest. They’ve made the bottle to glow/shimmer in candlelight. Downright sensual of them, no? They’ve even designed the logo to echo the “curves of a woman’s body” with some adage about a pearl in an oyster. Bravo, very clever. I don’t know if I hate or love this stuff.
