I got a response to an article and it even had a question in it. Therefore, to keep with the theme of answering questions here goes …
Pandabear from Colorado wrote: I really enjoyed this very informative article. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and knowledge. Sometimes we know these things, but it is great to read them, especially when it’s so well written. I have one question you may be able to answer. You mentioned that if a man is truly addicted to porn you would look at his childhood ... Can you elaborate? What would you expect his child hood to look like?
Well PB,
I want to point out a difference here. Addiction is different from abuse. You can abuse alcohol and not be addicted to it. You can abuse drugs and not be addicted to them. Neither abuse nor addiction is good, healthy, or safe, but abuse is one issue and addiction is two (addictive personality + abuse).
The first thing I would ask is about abuse (sexual, substance, physical, and emotional). Then I would ask about the parent’s relationship. Broken home? Father was a jerk? Mother was abused by father? Substance abuse by parent? Neglect from parent? All of these things can help a person understand why they turn toward things like a porn addiction. Here are some examples:
A person who grows up under abuse finds ways to deal with it. One very common and compulsive way is through sexual means. Children, especially younger children, will become sexually compulsive in an abusive situation. They do not have the means to fully express themselves and try to act out their frustrations in a physical way, sometimes through sexual acts. This becomes a habit, follows them to adulthood, and leads to constant unhealthy sexual compulsion. Sometimes as promiscuousness and some times as compulsive masturbating. This tendency to act out sexually when under stress is also found in other primate species and some researchers are trying to see if it is a primate behavior or just a human behavior.
Molestation is a subset of the previous paragraph. Molestation causes a huge amount of guilt, trauma, confusion, and dysfunction. There is no one particular cognitive path that molested children take, but without help it rarely turns out healthy. This is a BIG subject. Larger than I could possibly go over in one day or even a year. So if I asked about their childhood and they said they were molested, I just found cause number one for many problems they may have.
Broken homes can also lead to porn addiction. Pornography is an escape from relationship based sexual behavior. Children from broken homes can find the ease of pornographic fantasy preferable over real life relationships. At a young age they can make the distinction that love=failure and pain. They see the best way to avoid failure and pain in not falling in love. No relationships mean no hurting. This line of thought is also very unhealthy and actually leads to greater pain and dissatisfaction. Brought to an extreme it can become a disconnect from reality and a compulsion for the false relation had between themselves and the images.
Abusive fathers can also cause boys to become disrespectful men. These men see a lack of value in a woman beyond sexual gratification and seek nothing more from them. Pornography provides a perfect outlet to release their anti-social behaviors. At times, this can become an addiction where the man completely disassociates with reality and human relationships.
A parent who abuses substances usually creates children who abuse substances. This tendency toward addiction and the large amount of pain and abuse that surrounds addicted parents can cause a child to become a dysfunctional adult. Pornography can take the place of drugs and alcohol as the focus of addiction.
As you are probably deducing from these examples there is a through line; abuse, neglect, addiction, and other things from childhood can manifest in porn addiction. The major point here is that the porn is not the problem, there are underlying issues that the person must first deal with through therapy, counseling, and possibly rehab before managing the addiction to porn. This is true with almost any addiction. The problem is rarely the object of addiction, but rather the reason for becoming habitual and compulsive to that object.
