Since we’re supposed to learn from our mistakes, you’d think second marriages would have a better chance of success. They don’t. 60 percent of all second marriages also end in divorce.
According to Atlanta psychologist Doug Rosenau it doesn’t have to be that way. “Second marriages,” he explains, “can have a better chance than first ones, if you learn from your mistakes.”
Here are his right—and wrong—reasons for re-tying the knot:
1. We’re adults who can make a decision. Why wait?
Wrong. Marie, a computer consultant, says her second marriage ended because she really didn’t know her second husband. “Our first date was in April, and by December we were married. We were on a roller coaster to the top. But from there, it was all downhill.”
“Anything that moves that rapidly,” warns Rosenau, “is bound to come to a screeching halt.”
2. There aren’t many men out there. This may be my last chance.
Also wrong. “I remarried,” says Helen, an English teacher, “because I thought it might be my last chance to have a child.” Such a reason is understandable,” Rosenau says, “but it’s not a foundation you can build a relationship on.”
3. He’s not exciting, but he makes me comfortable.”
Right! “Don’t count on sex to carry you over the long haul,” Rosenau warns. “You should be looking for someone who makes you comfortable, not excited.”
4. He’ll make a good parent.
Wrong. “He’ll outgrow the role when the kids are gone,” says Rosenau. “Take care of yourself first. If our needs are met, your child’s will be too.”
5. He has problems left over from his first marriage, but I can help him change.”
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. “Never count on someone changing,” says Susan, an art gallery owner. “I married my second husband because I thought I could shape him up better than his first wife. I was wrong.”
6. We argue at times, but we always work things out.
Right! The ability to resolve disputes is important. “If your arguments are a way of resolving differences,” says Rosenau, “it’s a good sign.”
7. I won’t make the mistakes I made in my first marriage.
Right—if you know what went wrong,” says Rosenau. Maggie, an artist, made some major changes when she remarried. “I’m doing things outside the marriage,” she explains. “Now I know there’s no way a husband can satisfy all my needs.”
8. He’s similar to my first husband. At least I know what I’m dealing with.
Wrong. Many people pick a second mate much like their first. “I always seem to pick loners who need me to take care of them,” says Barbara, a nurse who recently divorced her second husband.
“There’s nothing wrong with picking a similar partner,” Rosenau says, “if you are choosing him for his admirable traits, not his undesirable ones.”
9. He’s totally unlike my first husband.
Wrong. It sounds like a good reason, but it will work only if you have examined your needs and values. Don’t overlook qualities you valued earlier.
10. My family and friends seem to like him.
Right. Chances are if the people you trust approve of him, he has the kind of personality you can live with for a lifetime.
And if handled correctly, that’s how long a second marriage should last.