There are times in our lives when we’re between relationships, but we still long for a bit of sexual excitement or release. I’m not a person who likes living without intimacy or passion, so for me to be out of a relationship meant I had a hole where a hug should have been. If I’d known then what I know now, I’d have found a friend with those side benefits who was completely happy with our arrangement while I waited for the right one to come along. I don’t need to be madly in love to have sex.
In my job, I see people every day who are looking for a no-strings-attached relationship.
Is it right for everyone?
Definitely not. If your idea of sex always has love and commitment involved, a relationship like this probably won’t work at all. Stick to what feels good for you and wait for Mr. Right. If sex for you is a bit of casual fun like it is for me and you don’t get hung up on whether he’s going to call first thing in the morning, then we’re on to something.
My friend Sharon is a commitment sort of person. She’d been dating this lovely guy, but she didn’t have strong feelings for him and because of that decided against having sex with him. When she told him how she felt, he suggested that perhaps they could remain friends but could have a bit of no-strings-attached fun as well. I think he just wanted to get into her panties. He told her he’d be available for her on those occasions where she felt that if she didn’t get a cuddle, bits of her were going to dry up and fall off. She thought it was worth a try because she’d been celibate for more than a year. Well, wouldn’t you know it, he was a sloppy kisser, he fumbled around in bed, and was childish and silly. It wasn’t at all what she’d expected. So she dumped him.
We have another friend who fell hard for a man she worked with. They met for drinks with us a few times and we could tell that she was way more interested in him than he was in her. One day she announced that they had agreed to become friends with benefits and she was all excited about it.
“This is my foot in the door with this guy,” she said. We just rolled our eyes.
She believed that agreeing to sleep with him with no strings attached would result in him falling for her and that they’d end up in a deeply committed relationship. Talk about putting your privates on a platter and expecting him not to eat. She wasn’t listening when her mother told him he wouldn’t buy the cow if the milk was free. (That’s what ALL mothers say, isn’t it?) It didn’t last and she ended up feeling used and abused. None of it was his fault. He was living up to their agreed arrangement. We helped her pick up the pieces and explained how she’d gotten it so wrong.
A friends-with-benefits relationship won’t last forever. People change and situations change and more often than not, over time one person will develop strong feelings for the other that are not reciprocated. You must always be prepared for one of you to want more than has been promised. If you both fall in love, it might work out, but in the majority of cases, couples end the relationship.
Set a timetable.
The easiest way to ensure that the arrangement remains stable is to set a timetable right up front. Tell each other that you’ll try it for three months or six months and then re-evaluate how it’s working. That way if one of you finds someone else, there’s always that ending date in the back of your mind that it was going to end anyway.
