The Three Kinds of Sex

Solace Sex
This occurs when we are not quite sure that our partner is really there for us, when we need lots of reassurance. If we are anxious about whether we can depend on our partner, we get caught up in pleasing our lover to win his or her approval. We concentrate on cuddling and affection rather than abandoning ourselves in lovemaking. Comforting tender touch is part of good sex, but when we get preoccupied with gaining reassurance, eroticism suffers.

With Solace Sex, we are highly sensitive to signs of rejection. So when our lover says, “I just don’t feel like it tonight,” we can’t manage to respond, “Oh, that is disappointing. I was looking forward to making love. But we can make it another time or just chat for a while.” Instead, we free fall into catastrophic thinking, doubting that we are really loved. As a result, we often wind up pressuring our partner to have sex or getting into arguments about exactly why they are not feeling sexy.
  
When this kind of sex is the norm, it’s time to talk to your partner about your anxieties. The safe you feel the more you will be able to let go and enjoy your sexuality.

Synchrony Sex
This is when emotional openness and responsiveness, tender touch, and erotic exploration all come together. This is the sex that fulfills, satisfies, and connects. The key prerequisite here is not wild sexual techniques but a safe emotional bond. The safer we feel emotionally, the more we can communicate, express our needs, play and explore our responses, and relax into sexual feelings. We can literally tune into each other and coordinate our sexual dance, sensing each others inner state and responding to how arousal shifts and peaks. Emotional safety shapes physical synchrony and physical synchrony shapes emotional safety.

Synchrony Sex that deepens our bond with our lover, feeds our own sense of ourselves as attractive desirable sexual beings, and makes lovemaking a reliable source of eroticism and joy. Research tells us that those who can count on their partner to be there for them emotionally, who say that they have a secure bond, have sex more often and enjoy sex more.

When people feel safe with each other they can also deal with the sexual differences and problems that inevitably come up in a long-term love relationship. What I tell the couples who come to see me to improve their relationship is that, “Practice and emotional presence make perfect in the bedroom.” The thrill in this kind of sex is like the safe adventure of dancing tango with a trusted partner. You are totally engaged in the dance and let the emotional and physical music take you over. The dance is then constant improvisation and play. Emotional presence and trust is the biggest aphrodisiac of all and the thrill can last a lifetime.

When you can have this kind of sex, rejoice and hold your lover tight. This is the way sex was supposed to be.

By Dr. Sure Johnson