Low sexual desire is a frequently voiced complaint within the walls of a sex therapy session. Women commonly discuss their lack of interest in engaging their partner in sexual activity of any kind, with a sense of shame simmering underneath. The statement of having low desire is a misconception as many women have a desire to be having sex, but lack the arousal to move forward and give into the sexual advances of their partner.
Sexual arousal does not occur for many women until they are already engaging in a sexual activity. The key is to choose to be open to allowing your partner to flirt, attract and ultimately physically engage you. Once the sexual encounter is rolling, the desire will follow suit. Many factors including age, low sexual self-esteem, and stress can keep you unable to find the comfort to move forward into a sexual encounter. The work then becomes about finding alternate ways to create intimacy with your partner until you are willing to allow arousal. “Having a headache” or a new Nora Roberts movie of the week is not a necessary excuse to avoid connecting with your partner. You have the permission not to want to have intercourse. But your work is to always stay relational and connected to your partner, even when saying no to sex. Adult sexuality requires honesty about how we feel and what we need. You are responsible for creating the sexual relationship you want.
A healthy relationship requires multiple levels of intimacy and sexuality is one of them. Remember that intercourse is not the only way of being sexual; we also have fingers and tongues too. Moving away from intercourse as the only purpose of sex and seeing that sexuality is really about intimacy and pleasure, you can then experiment with other sexual activities to remain connected but also bypass intercourse. Remember, the purpose of sexuality is union and pleasure, not always orgasm and intercourse. The latter are the two best ways to actually avoid real intimacy. Experiment with massage, genital play or oral sex, checking in with yourself consistently to examine your level of comfort and desire to move forward. Challenge yourself to stand up to your anxiety and create the relationship and sexuality that you do desire but were afraid to have.
The goal is to always stay relational with your partner, especially when passing on having intercourse. So if it truly is not the best time to be sexual, and you are not simply avoiding your anxiety about connecting, you can accomplish this relational goal by sitting close to your partner and staying affectionate as a way to say, “I may not want to be sexual, but I still care about you and want to be connected.” If you are in a healthy relationship, then your partner is trying to engage you out of an attraction for you and desire to be close. Do not read their advancements as a feeble attempt to just “get off”. It’s all right to say no, but don’t then run off to do the laundry, you must stay alongside them. Stay relational and stay by them.
As an adult, you must explore your level of comfort with the various aspects of your sexuality. Ignoring this important part of yourself and your relationship will greatly inhibit a long-term sustainable partnership. You must choose to do the hard work of standing up to your anxiety and allowing yourself to be open to connecting with your partner. This will not only cause growth for yourself, but will also ignite passion as you empower yourself and push your personal limits.
