For ages—since time immemorial, if you will—women have wondered, aloud and in private, whether men compared their penises in the locker room the way women have traditionally sized up each other’s breasts. From birth, females are ninja-like in their stealthiness. Stealing appraising cup-size glances out of the corners of their eyes, pretending they’re just checking out the hem on that hot new skirt goes with the territory. Men, on the other hand, abide by a strict “no peeking” rule instituted shortly after birth, and adhered to more fastidiously than Lent, Lost, and the French method for preparing a soufflé.
And for as equally long an age—time immemorial supermaxed, if you will—men have been wondering just how women have been thinking, musing, whispering, talking, joking, and making viral videos about their the size of their endowment.
Of course, there are the legions of phallic platitudes—as tired and overworn as a lifelong Hallmark hack—that women have seemingly been bred to pump out when a man doesn’t exactly measure up—like some sort of on-demand video service. Or hand soap. Or hand...wait, forget it.
Let us now review a few of these pump-handled platitudes:
- Size doesn’t matter!
- It’s how you use it!
- It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean!
- It’s not the thickness of the dick; it’s the slickness of the trick!
Okay; we made that last one up. But you’ve got to admit—it made just about as much (non)sense as the others, right? And after, oh—a decade or two of mouthing these clichés to every hulking man-child they meet, women inevitably find themselves asking the same question: “Men came up with this shit themselves, didn’t they?”
Well, yes. Yes, they most certainly did. Because there are some things that not even duct tape and Microsoft service packs can fix.
Of course, men obsess over their penis size far too much (and far too prodigiously) for any of their own inventions to be much consolation.
So let’s turn, if only for a moment, to the annals of, um, hard science. (Sorry; we couldn’t resist.) According to a conflated confluence of studies, the average penis length of a human male measures out somewhere between 5.1 to 5.9 inches.
A 2005 study, however, yielded some interesting results: 85 percent of women surveyed said they were satisfied with their partner’s size; only 55 percent of men reported satisfaction with their own size. Psychology Today ran their own survey (and really, who hasn’t), and to no one’s surprise, revealed that 71 percent of women responding felt that guys spend far too much time worrying over their penises.
All of which just goes to show that the question of cock-worthiness is a cottage industry unto itself, employing a marauding army of shrinks, quacks, kooks, and Billy Mays wannabes plying their pills, pumps, and ornately hand-drawn propaganda (usually depicting a well-chiseled male frantically tugging on his bits, with thin, pearl-like beads of sweat glistening on his brow and abs, giving him the appearance of an Adonis constructed of butter and going through some bad withdrawal symptoms).
The Hard Truth
But that’s not the real question, is it? The real question here is do women prefer ’em big?
Well, in a word, yes. But like affordable healthcare, soy milk, and I Love New York, we’ve all learned that sometimes you have to settle for less.
Sorry to burst anyone’s bubble. But if we’re going to be honest—and why not; our moms aren’t nearby—it’s fairly safe to say that most women would, in a perfect world, prefer a larger penis (up to a point, of course, being able to walk post-coitus is definitely a plus), especially when it comes to girth. Just as most men would prefer a woman with breasts larger than her own head—it’s human nature to want to super-size everything.
