It should be noted with nary a trace of irony that foreplay is not an exclusive trademark of the golf courses of America. We’d like to see the trademark shifted to all the bedrooms of the world (or kitchen tables, futons, shag rugs, sleeping bags, what have you). And as a matter of fact, should your betrothed materialize before you, ready for some sexing whilst clad in the becheckered paraphernalia of golfing, we heartily suggest that you call Goodwill first thing in the morning to come pick up his golf gear.
But this really isn’t about golf. It’s about the other “fore!”—foreplay, or rather, fore-foreplay: what can you, o enterprising lover of the sensual, do before the foreplay starts to ensure a better bout of ye old sexy-time?
(Un?)Dress for Success
Because first impressions, even with your One True Love (or Many Provisional Loves—we don’t judge), still count. Do you want your partner’s first sensory input of the coitus-to-come to be of you standing there in dirty work clothes, unkempt hair and mismatched socks? You know that old saying—familiarity breeds contempt? Try getting laid looking like you just came off of a twelve-hour shift at the Filtho-Mart, and you’ll find out the hard way. So, put on something nice. Give your partner an eyeful before they (hopefully!) get a mouthful.
Hygiene
We’re gonna go out on a limb here and assume that you already know to wash—with soap and water—before beginning any sort of sexual enterprise. However, don’t stop there—hit up a dash of your sweetie’s fave fragrance (just don’t overload). If you’re a guy, and she has a stated preference for a clean-shaven man, then get to it. If you’re of the female persuasion, then now would be a good time to give the gams a little defoliation. (And if there are pubic preferences to take into consideration, you know what to do.)
Calisthenics
Sex is exercise. Well, good sex is exercise. Get yourself into a runner’s position and do a little stretching before the festivities begin. It’s better to be limber before the fact, than recoiling in agony when you pull an oblique, groin or hammy. The old fashioned exercises our gym teacher made us do in middle school work great—toe touches, back and hip stretches, even the weird-looking head rolls. Remember: Unlike sports, sex has no disabled list.
Be Prepared
Have whatever you might need for the festivities within reach:
- condoms and/or other birth control devices
- lube (we really can’t stress this enough)
- sex toys (and replacement batteries, if applicable)
- cat-o’-nine
- energy drinks/power bars (if you’re of the long-distance runner variety)
- wipes to clean up afterwards (or between acts, if you know what we mean)
It sounds simple enough, but there’s no bigger mood-killer than the following words: “Hey, hold that thought while I go look for the lube. I think I left it in the medicine cabinet …”
Check Your Attitude
Don’t assume that, just because you’re in the mood and ready to pounce, that your partner is as well. Sexual arousal, contrary to popular opinion, does not materialize by whim or command (well, not without extensive training, but that’s a whole ’nother column). And don’t assume that because you’ve been having amazing sex for the past dozen years, you don’t still need to engage in some (re: lots) foreplay in order to get the ol’ motors revving.
Socks
This one’s specifically for the guys. Take your socks off. Trust us. She thinks it’s tacky. And no, you don’t need ’em for traction. As Jeff on the BBC’s Coupling said, “no self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her”. And if you need us to explain what “the squelchy” is, then you may as well leave the socks on.
