“We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking.”
I’m a terrible listener. And it didn’t just start when I met my over-loquacious husband. I’ve always been this way. I pretend to listen, but I zone out. Think about other things. Say “mmm-hmmm” every so often just to keep up the façade and then drive people crazy by saying, “You never told me!” later on. It’s without doubt one of my worst faults.
Everyone talks about communication as the key to successful relationships. The thing is, what we think of as communication is usually just expression—being able to say what we feel, or get a message across. Expression is only half of the communication process. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us. And that is, indeed, the more difficult part.
Listening is a skill, and one that gets more and more difficult to master the older you get (or the smarter you think you’ve become). With the development of any skill, the first step to improvement is to have a good understanding of what you can do—or stop doing—in order to get better.
Here are some of the most common types of bad listeners. (If you’re anything like me, you’ll begin to giggle sheepishly the minute you recognize yourself.)
1. The Daydreamer
You pretend to listen but really tune the other person out. Instead of concentrating on the input, you switch your mental remote to a more entertaining program.
2. The Judge
You don’t pay attention because you’ve already pre-judged the speaker as wrong, stupid, incompetent, or simply beneath you.
3. The Egocentric
You take everything people tell you and refer it back to your own experience. Someone’s talking about back pains and that reminds you about the time you couldn’t get up for two days. You launch into your story before they can finish theirs.
4. The Problem Solver
You don’t have to hear more than a few sentences to begin searching for the right advice, and telling the speaker what to do. However, while you are coming up with solutions, you fail to hear the whole story, and sometimes miss what is most important.
5. The Heckler
Your main focus is on finding things to disagree with. No matter what anyone says, you have to find a loophole—or anything to criticize, snort at, or comment on.
6. Mr. Right
You go to great lengths (twist the facts, start shouting, make excuses or accusations, call up past sins) to avoid being pegged as wrong or guilty. You can’t listen to criticism, you can’t be corrected, and you can’t take suggestions to change.
7. The Derailer
You change the topic or derail the train of conversation when you get uncomfortable or bored with what’s being said. The most common way of derailing is by joking.
8. The Teacher’s Pet
You agree with everything, and nod your head supportively because you want people to like you. You may half-listen just enough to get the drift, but you are not really involved.
9. The Lawyer
You don’t listen because you’re too busy designing and preparing your next comment. You look interested, but your mind is going a mile a minute because you are thinking about what to say next.
10. The Filter
You hear only what you want to hear, and screen out everything else.
Did you find yourself? That’s just the first step. The next one is to change… and that will take considerably more time. But it’s worth it.
Once you’re willing to stop talking or thinking, and begin truly listening, you’ll find all your interactions become easier. Listening (really listening) to others can be the most fundamental and powerful communication tool of all.
Remember: “A good listener isn’t only popular everywhere; after a while, he actually learns something.”
