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Open Relationship

By: Curly (View Profile)

Ok. So my girlfriend and I are doing really well and we’ve been together for two years. We haven’t really ever fought or gotten in a serious argument. She has expressed her desire to have an open relationship for the past couple months. We both agreed that we enjoy and sometimes need variation and an open relationship would be good.

A couple days after we decided to have a kind-of-open relationship (no sex with others yet) to see how things go, she had a guy sleep over. They did not have sex, but the happening really hurt me. The next day she asked how I was faring with a girl I had recently met, then told me of her hook-up. For days, I cried and tried not to let her see it because I believed I was overreacting. I couldn’t believe I was so upset from her just being in bed with a guy and hooking-up a little.

I’m scared of losing her, and I feel ineffective satisfying her although that is really NOT the issue. She always orgasms and we both enjoy the sex. We want variation, sex with other people. But from my freak-out it sounds like I do not want an open relationship and only she does. I’m a guy so I have ridiculous masculinity crises and this is such a case. I feel like I’m an outcast with my opinion of this issue, especially being a male.

I really want this girl in my life, she wants me to always be in her life. She is so lovely and wonderful I often feel compelled to describe in various ways my love for her through writing. I adore the romance with her.

I am very insecure, and I am working on that right now for the first time in my life. Some friends are helping me with this difficult task.

She is not hooking up with other guys, for the time being, until I feel I can cope and really believe that it won’t be a big deal. I will continue to hit on girls and she is fine with that. Girls don’t really hit on me so I have to go after them, but I haven’t been successful.

So my questions are, 1) what the hell is wrong with me? 2) How healthy, or unhealthy is this relationship? and 3) Are you going to tell me to end the relationship too?

First published January 2010

2 readers liked this story.

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Comments

Great advice. Thank you for the reassurance. It really does help quite a bit. Damn media and my self defeating thoughts. I never heard about jealousy and monogamy as evolutionary, very interesting.

I wrote my earlier comment before seeing your comment. I think you're making a good decision. One thing I wanted to add - you say you feel odd about not wanting an open relationship when you're male. I think the media tends to give the impression that men aren't monogamous. I think men invented monogamy. A male human needs to stay with his lover in order to be able to raise his children. From the point of view of evolution, he is in huge trouble if his mate cheats on him. He could spend his life supporting somebody else's kid. For humans, men are the ones who most need monogamy. Jealousy and monogamy are not just inventions of society. They are part of our nature.

I Absolutely nothing is wrong with you!!!! Jealousy is a normal emotion. Everybody feels it. Stop trying to change the way you feel. You love this woman. For you, sex means something. You don't want her to have sex with other people. That's how most people throughout most of history have felt. In fact, it may even be how many animals feel - birds chase away their competition. The essence of an open relationship is honesty. Never hide the fact that she's making you cry. Should you end the relationship? I don't know. I do think you should end trying to open up your relationship. Your girlfriend wants a little variety and excitement. You're crying your eyes out. Is sexual variety really worth more than the love? In my opinion, if your girlfriend really loves you, she can agree to forget the whole open relationship thing. Instead, focus on how to make your relationship more exciting. Have a fIew fights. Do something different for a date. Change your routines. Spend time talking to each

Thank you so much for the advise and feedback!! I do really appreciate it. My girlfriend and I talked about the relationship and I came to the conclusion that there are two final decisions: we can stay together exclusively, or break up. I didn't want to establish an ultimatum because it would end the relationship. If I look at the relationship in black and white I guess I would decide to end it. So I'm still stuck. We agreed not to see other people for the time being, so we'll see how that works out.

I think if any part of you resists the "open relationship," then you should have an honest talk with your girlfriend. If you're not on the same page, then it might be time to reassess the relationship. No one should make you cry, whether you're a man or woman. She should make you happy! Be strong; you'll find someone who makes you smile again.