In the land of booze, there’s no doubt that sex sells. We’re used to seeing the half-clad woman on a billboard, covering her crotch with a bottle of vodka. But why do we combine drink names with sex? Is it because of the good laugh we all have when asking a hot bartender, “Can you make me a Spread Eagle?” Or perhaps it’s because of the close association between excess drinking and casual, completely uninhibited, downright dirty sex. Or maybe that’s just me.
Whatever the reason, these sexy drinks usually have outlandish names with disgusting, random, sugary ingredients—things that no self-respecting boozehounds would ever order or put down their gullet. But damn, they’re fun. Here’s a sampling:
Sex on the Beach (vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry, and orange juice)
This is probably the most notorious of all sexual innuendo drinks. But if you’ve ever had sex on the beach, you know two things: a) You have to be prepared and b) you’re rarely prepared. You need a blanket big enough to protect two semi-naked bodies from touching the sand, or else you’re getting sand in all types of orifices, making this a most uncomfortable (albeit unforgettable) screw.
But if you’re having sex on the beach, chances are you’re either a dirty, horny hippie, or completely shit-faced; in either case, you’re too stoned or drunk to remember—or care—about a blanket. You end up waking up with not only a hangover, but sand in all those orifices. Not to mention the condom. What to do with the used condom when you’re on a beach? Lord knows you didn’t bring a plastic baggy to the bar with you that night. You (not really you, but the wasted you) probably tossed that thing in the sand, so it can get wrapped around some unsuspecting child’s pinky toe while she’s flying a kite at the beach the next morning. Really, you should be ashamed of yourself.
This cocktail ain’t half bad, even if it is sweeter than your unpopped cherry, but the real sex on the beach is anything but. Proceed with caution.
Slow Comfortable Screw (sloe gin, Southern Comfort, and orange juice)
Who doesn’t want a slow comfortable screw? You probably wouldn’t if you’ve ever had sloe gin, which is a nauseatingly sweet gin flavored with sloe plums, or Southern Comfort, the trailer trash’s version of a soda pop. After drinking a couple pintfuls of these, you’re less likely to be having a sloe comfortable screw and more likely to be having a blur of sugary, booze-induced sloppy sex. Really, have you ever had slow, comfortable sex when you’ve been wasted? I’m much more familiar with the sexy cocktail known as the Whiskey Dick (find man, add whiskey, watch penis turn flaccid.)
But if you are going for this theme, you might as well try a Long Slow Comfortable Screw Against a Wall (same as above, add vodka and Galliano), because walls always provide amazing back support when you’re about as alert as the dead guy in Weekend At Bernie’s. You might as well be dead; you just imbibed a four to one ratio of booze to mixer. And in case you have a thing for south of the border action, you could try a Slow, Comfortable Screw up Against a Wall in Mexico (same as above, add tequila). Because we all know that adding tequila to the equation makes everything mejor, no?
I really think sloe gin had a marketing hand involved in the creation of these recipes, because no one would drink the shit otherwise. And if you’re a real alcoholic, there’s no way you’d be able to remember all the adjectives involved in ordering a SCSUAWIM.
Piece of Ass (Amaretto, Southern Comfort, sour mix)
Anything with Southern Comfort as a main ingredient has to make you shake yer head. Sure, it’s good when you’re looking to spice up a diet coke (the Southern sorority sisters’ drink of choice), but it screams of two-bit hangover. And you can just picture the type of guy that orders a “Piece of Ass”: he’s got a huge chaw of tobacco under his gum, a piece of straw between his lips, and is wearing Wranglers so tight you could bounce a quarter off his thigh. He has a confident swagger, even though he stands about 5'3".
