Like oxytocin, which is released proportionately to the duration of touch, endorphins take over after the high of infatuation has worn off, provided the relationship contains enough of the key elements that stimulate their release. Endorphins are triggered by what we generally consider true love: trust, friendship, compassion, acceptance, and affection. They are natural opiates and continue to increase the flow of dopamine. According to some findings, endorphins are probably the reason that people in stable, long-term relationships tend to live longer, healthier lives. They replace pain with pleasure and increase resistance to stress. Just like heroin, morphine, or any other opiate, endorphins are habit-forming, so being separated from a loved one usually results in withdrawal. Fortunately, chocolate also stimulates endorphin release, which is why it’s such a popular break-up remedy.
Tell Me About Your Childhood …
Aside from the biochemical reactions involved in infatuation that help the body achieve a more relaxed, happy state, there are psychological benefits to crushes, as well. Sigmund Freud, the great love shrink, argued that our behaviors and emotions repeat patterns that are imbedded in our psyches from early experience. We get a rush of feeling when we meet someone who reminds us of an earlier relationship, especially if there were unresolved issues in that relationship. This allows us to work through those issues with the new partner and move on.
Harville Hendrix, author of Keeping the Love You Find: A Guide for Singles, builds on Freud’s theory. He postulates that we hold a mental construct called an imago, a highly individual imprint in each of our memory banks, that embodies both positive and negative attributes of our earliest caretakers. This imago is like an intimacy template for our dream lover, influencing and filtering our perceptions so that we are particularly attentive and sensitized to those who match our private patterns. The perception of strong attraction then acts as an internal signal which stimulates PEA release. The hope is that things will turn out better and we will have more control this time around than in our earlier relationship dynamics.
Far from mere folly, crushes are natural reactions that appear to be built in to our biochemical and psychological makeup. Infatuation has an important role in forging bonds, improving mood and energy, and resisting stress.
The down side to crushes is that, if they don’t work out (which most don’t), the endorphin withdrawal is grueling and awful. The feeling is analogous to heroin withdrawal, with symptoms that include depression, loss of appetite, and insomnia. Fortunately, there are natural endorphin triggers like exercise and, yes, chocolate, that can get you back on your feet after a break up. That is, until you fall for someone all over again.
Updated February 12, 2010
