I’ve been on a kinky article kick lately (but then again, when have I NOT been on a kinky article kick? They seem to find me no matter where I hide). It’s almost like a compulsion, one that—for the sake of my self-improvement and further enlightenment—I should overcome. So check me out on New Year’s Day of 2010—I’ll be the one by the azaleas flagellating myself with a garden hose while having a marathon polka session with Lawrence Welk’s Greatest Hits—all for the noble purpose of discipline and self-censorship.
But before I retreat into self-imposed kinky article detox, here’s one more that caught my eye while reading Glamour. Apparently, another devoted reader sent on this priceless tip:
“One day, I brought saran wrap (plastic cling wrap to you people unfamiliar with the term) to my boyfriend’s house and wrapped him up like a mummy. I cut holes to let his nipples out, and the sensation was amazing when I rubbed my fingers across his covered skin. Plus, when the saran wrap was peeled off, his skin was ultra sensitive. He was blown away by how cool it was.”
Now, I don’t know about you, but saran wrap reminds me of sad little sandwiches with limp lettuce, mystery meat, and watery tomatoes trussed up and sitting forlornly on a cafeteria display case or that guy from The Full Monty trying to shrink his beer gut by wrapping it up with the darn thing. Or Bruno, being wise to this trick, trying it on himself and declaring, “I ist your über skinny spring roll of love!”
Plus, I’m thinking, by the time I finish mummifying hubby with it, I’d be so tired I’ll pass out face down on the bed, snoring.
Nevertheless, being the adventurous middle-aged semi-cougarish (being three weeks older qualifies me as one) housewife that I am, I get hubby to read the abovementioned tip—and then, brandishing a brand-spanking new roll of GLAD wrap, I give him my best come hither look.
Sad to say, hubby has no sense of adventure. And now he’s taken to hiding the aluminum foil and the wax paper, too.
Darn it.
