Because I openly write about my marriage and sex life, most people feel comfortable telling me things that they just wouldn’t tell anyone else. As a result, I know a lot about most couples that even the sex researchers probably don’t know. Like this: there are a lot of people out there who would rather scrub their bathroom floors with a toothbrush than have sex with their partners. Indeed, in 15 percent of marriages? Sex isn’t happening at all. In many others, it’s not happening all that much.
If you are the person in the relationship who keeps initiating—and keeps getting the brush off—it can be downright frustrating, though. That’s why I polled my friends as well as my readers at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com. According to many different men and women, below are some of the top turn offs when it comes to sex. If you want to get into your partner’s pants? Just don’t:
1. Grab your spouse’s privates when other people (especially the kids, her parents, her friends, or her boss) are around.
2. Work a sixteen-hour day, come home, and say, “I’m tired. Want to do it?” That’s like trying to catch a fish with no bait on your hook.
3. Let yourself go. It’s not politically correct to admit it and your spouse probably won’t tell you for fear of hurting your feelings. But I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they are no longer attracted to their partners because their partners have gained a lot of weight or have gotten really flabby. Even failing to shave (for both men and women) was a huge turn off. And one friend just couldn’t stand the ratty sweatpants her husband started wearing everyday after retirement. Once he started putting on a suit again? He started getting a lot more action. So if you want more sex? Pay attention to your personal grooming and self-care routine. Brush. Floss. Get fit. Shave. Practice basic nail care. Trim up your unruly privates (especially if you are into oral). Dress up every once in a while.
4. Eat onions first. Or garlic. Or fish. Or peanut butter. Or anything else just like those foods.
5. Give her a tittie twister. No matter how funny you think this is? Your woman does not find it funny. Every time you twist her nipples? You’re losing at least seven possible days of sex, if not more.
6. Put your spouse in the Dutch Oven. If you don’t understand why, see tittie twister. Excuse yourself, pass gas in the bathroom, and then come back and initiate.
7. Loudly snort snot into your throat. Are you noticing a theme here? As a general rule, grossness, and crude behavior usually doesn’t lead to sexual desire.
8. Talk about your ex-lovers. Don’t do this ever.
9. Talk about another man’s penis. Even Ron Jeremy’s penis if off limits, especially just before or during sex. As far as you are concerned, the only penis you have ever seen is your man’s. And no matter its size? It’s huge.
10. Talk about another woman’s boobs. Especially if they are bigger or perkier than your wife’s. As far as you are concerned? Her boobs rock your world in every single possible way. They are big enough. They are perky enough. They are round enough. They are good enough. You love them. You wish you could marry them. They complete you.
11. Ask your woman if she would consider getting her boobs done.
