Because I openly write about my marriage and sex life, most people feel comfortable telling me things that they just wouldn’t tell anyone else. As a result, I know a lot about most couples that even the sex researchers probably don’t know. Like this: there are a lot of people out there who would rather scrub their bathroom floors with a toothbrush than have sex with their partners. Indeed, in 15 percent of marriages? Sex isn’t happening at all. In many others, it’s not happening all that much.
If you are the person in the relationship who keeps initiating—and keeps getting the brush off—it can be downright frustrating, though. That’s why I polled my friends as well as my readers at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com. According to many different men and women, below are some of the top turn offs when it comes to sex. If you want to get into your partner’s pants? Just don’t:
1. Grab your spouse’s privates when other people (especially the kids, her parents, her friends, or her boss) are around.
2. Work a sixteen-hour day, come home, and say, “I’m tired. Want to do it?” That’s like trying to catch a fish with no bait on your hook.
3. Let yourself go. It’s not politically correct to admit it and your spouse probably won’t tell you for fear of hurting your feelings. But I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they are no longer attracted to their partners because their partners have gained a lot of weight or have gotten really flabby. Even failing to shave (for both men and women) was a huge turn off. And one friend just couldn’t stand the ratty sweatpants her husband started wearing everyday after retirement. Once he started putting on a suit again? He started getting a lot more action. So if you want more sex? Pay attention to your personal grooming and self-care routine. Brush. Floss. Get fit. Shave. Practice basic nail care. Trim up your unruly privates (especially if you are into oral). Dress up every once in a while.
4. Eat onions first. Or garlic. Or fish. Or peanut butter. Or anything else just like those foods.
5. Give her a tittie twister. No matter how funny you think this is? Your woman does not find it funny. Every time you twist her nipples? You’re losing at least seven possible days of sex, if not more.
6. Put your spouse in the Dutch Oven. If you don’t understand why, see tittie twister. Excuse yourself, pass gas in the bathroom, and then come back and initiate.
7. Loudly snort snot into your throat. Are you noticing a theme here? As a general rule, grossness, and crude behavior usually doesn’t lead to sexual desire.
8. Talk about your ex-lovers. Don’t do this ever.
9. Talk about another man’s penis. Even Ron Jeremy’s penis if off limits, especially just before or during sex. As far as you are concerned, the only penis you have ever seen is your man’s. And no matter its size? It’s huge.
10. Talk about another woman’s boobs. Especially if they are bigger or perkier than your wife’s. As far as you are concerned? Her boobs rock your world in every single possible way. They are big enough. They are perky enough. They are round enough. They are good enough. You love them. You wish you could marry them. They complete you.
11. Ask your woman if she would consider getting her boobs done.
12. Refuse to talk about your feelings. Men, I gotta tell you this. I know it’s tough for some of you, but revealing that soft mushy inner part of you? It’s a huge turn on for many women. Even coming home and going on a long rant about your stupid boss? Huge turn on.
13. Refuse to listen to your spouse talk. Most women tell me that they need to feel close to their partner in order to get in the mood, and being listened to makes them feel close.
14. Wait until your partner is halfway into a dream before initiating. A better strategy? Mention at bedtime that you’d like to get busy the next day. Ask for a breakfast date. That way you’ll both be energetic, and you’ll be less stressed all day long.
15. Attempt the Cuddle Mount. You’ve read that women like cuddling, so you cozy up to her as she’s falling asleep. As soon as she responds in any way, you crawl on top and attempt a mount. In a word: uh-uh. To use cuddling to your advantage? Do it every night, only attempting the cuddle-to-mount technique once or twice a week. Even better, insert a few unique moves between the cuddle and the mount, just to mix things up.
16. Do the same foreplay moves in the same order every single time. Too predictable. Yawn. I’ve got floors to scrub.
17. Get naked and go right for the main event. This might be a turn on for some men (my husband is one of them). But for most women? It’s annoying. A naked man’s body just isn’t the same kind of draw as a naked woman’s body. It may not be fair, but it’s the honest truth. Plus, it also takes the average woman a lot longer to warm up to sex than it takes the average man. Help her warm up to the situation with some romantic foreplay.
18. Make it all about you. The best way to get your partner to enjoy having sex with you? Worship your partner in the bedroom.
19. Ask if she or he has gained weight.
20. Refuse to help around the house. When women are stressed and tired? They have a hard time getting in the mood. If your spouse does 100 percent of the housework, child raising, and cooking—and works full time on top of it? Sex is going to fall off the priority list.
21. Assume you know everything when it comes to sex. Unless you are a sex therapist or a porn star, you probably don’t. It’s quite possible that your spouse doesn’t want to do it very often because you don’t know how to rock your spouse’s sexual world. Never stop learning. Never stop improving.
Originally published on SmakNews