My girlfriends and I got to talking the other night (okay, actually it was several nights with several different girlfriends and several bottles of wine). You may guess where this is going. The funny thing is, I thought I did too.
However, while I might have thought it would lead to relationships and sex, I didn’t quite expect to hear such varied tales: text messages, camera phone photos, “IM sex” (?), naked test car drives, mandatory “pull-over” stops on road trips, key parties, partner porn screenings, threesomes, strap-ons, bar bathrooms, role playing starring as “Naughtia.”
I hung on every word. I laughed and smiled. I looked out at these friends and was proud, amazed, and perhaps, at times, curious.
Then I got to thinking about the stories I have to tell. Currently, I am in a serious relationship with someone I am very much in love with. We have sex frequently and as far as I feel and we’ve discussed, we are both really happy with our sex life.
We do tend to have what would be called (compared to what is listed above) traditional sex, specifically—missionary style.
I realize this sounds really boring. It’s hardly the number one most viewed configuration on YouPorn. But I love it. He does too. We both are able to have orgasms and look into each other’s eyes and spoon afterwards. We do try other positions, usually when we’ve had a bit to drink. But truthfully, we tend to revert back to the thing we like most—me on bottom, him on top. When I really look fondly on our intimate moments, I remember the mornings, the sober times, the moments where I was in ecstasy looking at him with flushed cheeks, feeling a sense of peace, his arms around me. At these times I was looking up.
So, back to the bar. All these tales of wanderlust and adventure made me self-conscious. What if I’m not sexy enough? Not racy enough? Should I be initiating more than I am now? Should I buy toys? Should we rent porn? How in the hell does one introduce anything kinky after two years without looking like a total sex-starved geek?
I started with a baby step. It was not my idea; it came from one of my super-sexed girlfriends: a text message, racy enough, but mild enough so as not to shock. I decided to try it one morning when I was alone and my boyfriend was traveling for work. I woke up, typed in my “sex text,” and sent it. No reply. Nothing. Not all day in fact. My message just sat there on my mind and in his phone with no reciprocation. Oh boy.
At first, I freaked. I called a friend and admitted what I had done and got us both laughing so hard, tears were streaming down my face. All day, she sent fake texts to me reminding me of my Scarlet text letter. Then I settled down. I mean, I know how he feels about me, and maybe he just isn’t into this and is too shy to say it. That night when we talked, I asked him, “Did you get my text?” He said yes, laughed a bit embarrassingly, and said he was going to reply but then his dad called and it ruined his mood. I haven’t tried since.
It’s hard to know how much sex is enough and what kind is a turn-on. I wonder if it truly is unique to couples. I have a pretty open relationship and we’ve somehow learned to talk about sex, which with previous partners had not been the easiest thing to do. I’ve admitted my fears of not being seen as sexy or of becoming the matronly, monogamous girl instead of the vixen that inspires a hard-on.
Even though I get reassurance from him, I think it’s smart to stay sharp—to talk and read and try things. We can’t always enjoy the same position. Can we? My relationship is barely two years old, so I can’t definitively say. I do know I feel like I am in my sexual prime. After stumbling through my twenties and condom-filled episodes worth repressing, I feel like I’ve woken up. Thankfully, I’m with someone who really turns me on in an intellectual, emotional, and sexual way. I will admit that I’m still waking to sex. I have boundaries, but I know what they are and I’m confident to admit them. Right now, I love my missionary, though I have noticed a subtle yearning to experiment with those things that fall inside my boundaries, things that I can share with my boyfriend in a way that we respect and love and laugh and crave.
So, I will continue to listen to the stories, take what I want, and pocket the things I don’t. I hope to maintain the communication with my boyfriend so that five, ten, even twenty years from now, we both feel the same as we do now, even if we find ourselves in a different position. There’s so much to try, so much to discover, and there’s a lot to learn from friends and partners. Here are a few pieces of information that have come to me that are worth passing along:
