A new question has arrived. Unfortunately, it is an all too common issue: the female orgasm. Too many women are plagued with shame, sadness, and confusion related to their inability to orgasm. The question came from someone who only went by L. Here it is:
Joe Mama,
I have been married to my first and only boyfriend for seven years now and don’t think I’ve had the “big O.” I have tried masturbating to figure out my body and see if there is a spot people could not reach or touch to take me all the way. That did not work either. I mean, I don’t know what I am supposed to feel. I might have gotten there and not realized it because I was expecting more. I guess what I am asking is, is there something wrong with me? Am I just not able to have an orgasm? I am so tired of my friends telling me how wonderful, explosive, amazing it is and not being able to know what they are talking about. Can you please tell me what is going on with my body and tell me what I can do?
Confused and frustrated—L
L,
There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all. That is one HUGE misconception held by women who have problems in this area. It is not you. It is not your partner. It is not a matter of being broken. It is not a problem. It is okay. For a woman, the orgasm is not induced by physical sensation, as much as it comes from a psychological mindset. It is not like running a race where there is a defined end and if you have a strong enough will you can force yourself to go the extra mile. In fact, forcing it usually hurts the situation. You wind up over thinking it. You worry more about trying to get there, than actually achieving the goal.
My biggest advice is to relax. Have fun and enjoy it. Like cake or ice cream or chocolate. Even if you never have an orgasm, you can have a ton of fun having sex and being intimate with your partner. You can share a physical manifestation of your love for each other that helps your relationship be stronger. It is funny how when you are not worried about the outcome, the journey can become much more satisfying. This is all true, unless there is a reason you cannot enjoy sex. Pain, depression, anxiety, body image issues, and past traumas can prevent the experience from being pleasurable. If any of these exists, then you must take care of the issue first before you can ever have any pleasure from sex. You cannot enjoy the race if you have a broken foot.
As for not knowing if you have had an orgasm … You would know. You would absolutely know and there would be no question. It is very much like hiccups or a sneeze. You know if you have the hiccups or if you sneeze and once it starts you can’t do anything about it. Now imagine how hard it would be to describe one of those to somebody that has never experienced it. You could say that your nose tingles and stings but it doesn’t really hurt and then you breath in and all of a sudden you breath out really hard. That is a pale representation of the experience as a whole. Many researchers believe there are actually two types of orgasms for women. The clitoral and vaginal orgasm.
Obviously, they come from two types of stimulation, but vaginal orgasms come from both types. External and internal. The idea that something must penetrate you for you to enjoy sex is a myth. Many women masturbate though external stimulation only or can only have an orgasm with a partner from oral sex. Trust me these women are happy. The whole in/out method could not exist for all they care. Some women think they have not had a real orgasm because nothing came out. This is also a myth. Nothing needs to come out of you in order for you to have an orgasm. In fact a woman’s vaginal orgasm in mark by little contractions deep inside that move the cervix up and down as opposed to squeezing contractions that would expel anything. The idea that something must come out is derived from a male sexuality and has nothing to do with the female body. Even the idea that something must come out of a man is a myth. Many men who had their prostate removed have dry orgasms and enjoy every moment of it.
