I was innocently looking for Christmas present ideas on his computer. Literally, I was typing in “fireplace tools” in Google. And, as he turned to me and said hey, let’s watch this show together, I knew I had to quit. Me, being the Web geek that I am, immediately went to his Web history to erase my clues. That’s when I found it: a full history of porn sites. How did I know? Well, let’s just say the terms were a bit revealing. Shocked, I clicked on one. Password protected. Wow, not even just porn history, but registered porn history, credit-card-paid-subscription porn history. My stomach sank.
We have been together now for a year and a half. I recall casual conversations about this in the early days, and I’m pretty sure I asked and I’m pretty sure he denied. I remember having the “have you ever watched it with another boyfriend/girlfriend” conversation and I recall him saying yes and me saying no. I know I asked about it because my last boyfriend hid it from me, and I also discovered it, at which point he got angry, defensive, and accused me of being inadequate. So, you can see where my baggage begins
Cut to this relationship: much more open, much healthier, happier, and I dare say, great in the sex department. Great, meaning traditionally great—nothing too non-traditional, no costumes, no toys, no role-playing, and until this moment, no porn. So, my first thought was—why? Should I have initiated a costume? A toy? Am I not enough? I looked over him, his image on the couch with my dog starkly opposing the names I was seeing in his history (and not just the names but the amount of sites—I mean how long does it take to get horny on a Friday night when your girlfriend is out of town?). In my last relationship I would have just closed the browser, silently freaked out, and waited until my next bottle of wine to unleash irrationally on the topic. I am slowly learning that this is not always the best way to open a can of worms. I couldn’t take it. So, I just called it out. “Hey, I was searching for your Christmas present online and found all of your porn sites.”<fast turn around, big blush>
We talked about it. And, it reigns up there as one of the most uncomfortable conversations I think we both have ever had. He was not defensive, nor was he angry. In fact most of the time he was blushing, like a little kid whose mom found Playboy under his bed (note: I do NOT want to be anyone’s mom, but this was the emotion I felt). After a while a few things came out of him and of me:
Me first:
- Are you doing this because you are unhappy sexually with us?
- Are there things you watch here that you want to do, but have been unable to initiate with me, don’t want to do with me, or that I do not inspire in you?
- Do you see me as your “wife type” and these are your “vixens” and the two are totally separate?
- Are you looking at young girls that would be considered illegal?
- Are you looking at gay sex with two men? (Let it be known, I have nothing against gay sex. My issue here is that if my boyfriend is struggling with his sexuality I would rather he do it outside a monogamous heterosexual relationship).
- Are you looking at anything that involves any kind of violence? Animals?
I gave a disclaimer before I asked these. I said, look, I know you are a good person. But my sister had a friend whose husband was caught online chatting with an illegally young girl, and no one would have ever guessed, including the wife. These stories are out there. There are people who look at porn in an unhealthy way. I need to know that this is not what we are talking about here and you need to be honest with me.
