Discovering Porn (On Your Boyfriend’s Computer)

My last boyfriend cheated on me—twice—while we were long distance. He was also the one who also told me I was sexually inadequate to him. That’s a lot to bring in to a porn history list on a computer on a Sunday afternoon. But without this event, my current partner and I would have just delayed or never had these discussions.

He too, admitted a few things. He said he is at heart traditional—his favorite position is missionary. He said he feels completely fulfilled. He said to him, when we have sex he sees me and us and our relationship as part of the act and because of that it is a deep emotional experience for him. He said the porn was a quick way to deal with being horny, and it was not anything to compare.

Later that week I was talking to my friend about the chain of events. She said “Oh God, that’s no big deal, everyone does it. Did you not have brothers?” She talked of her conversations with her husband (who does it too). I asked her if she felt threatened by it, and she replied, “Seriously? Threatened by a guy who watches two girls getting each other off with one hand on the laptop mouse and the other on his crotch? No way.”

She had a point.

But, my point was—can sex always be as he sees it now? Will it always be this deep emotional connection (with orgasm of course)? And when it isn’t, what then? I brought this up too, and if nothing else, I’m glad I found the porn so that we could have this conversation. I said at some point, the sex might get dull. And I need to know that my partner is someone who can talk about this and not reach out to his computer or another woman to solve it. I want to know that if I want to us to try tantric sex (which I read about in my yoga magazine and actually do want to try at some point) or ask him to do something for me that I won’t feel wrong or awkward.

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07.23.2009
danielle
I don't think it is okay. Girls don't look at porn, why is it okay for guys to look. I wonder if guys would feel as insecure if they found a bunch of their wives or girlfriends porn
04.27.2009
Hana J.
Dan, I personally never really had a problem with porn either. and i knew my boyfriend looks at it, but when i actually found what hes been looking at, i was surprisingly devastated. like you say, we KNOW that there's all kinds of porn out there for our men to jerk off to, but we always seem to be fooled into believing our guy is different. it doesn't matter what your excuse is- whether its "everybody does it" or "you just cant help it nowadays when you own a computer," it'll always hurt us to some degree that you're getting off from other women and sexual fantasies.
03.14.2009
Cheekyredhead
It is important to have a frank & honest conversation about sex when considering a relationship at all. Unfortunately we are not taught how to have this tremendously important conversation, in fact we are encouraged not to think about sex much less talk about it. It is like the painting on the wall that everyone appreciates but will not openly discuss it's beauty nor get caught being alone with it. I am a preacher's kid & know of what I speak, yet now at age 50 I freely discuss things with my 16 daughter that my parents would never utter. Porn has a place, just like vitamins, chocolate, water & air...each in moderation & with freedom of choice. Sex comes in many flavors, why limit yourself to only vanilla? As long as both you & your partner are on board with exploring the flavors together, why is it bad? There is glutteny in all things in life, it is a choice one makes. Those choices will either enslave you or free you. Insecurity limits you. Life it too short to limit sexuality
What is your definition of "addiction"? Does he use it everyday? Then, most men are "addicted". Is he able to hold down a job? To me, this sounds like women (even a professional one) who is telling someone else what fantasies are appropriate. Are you going to begin telling me and other men what is okay to fantasize about? It seems to me that he goes to SA meetings because you want him to. I hope you didn't give him an ultimatum. Was he lying about it? If so, was your reaction to his fantasies contribute to the lying. Did you make him feel ashamed? If so, I'd lie about it too.
03.01.2009
sharon
You are certainly entitled to your opinion. My husband does have a sex addiction with internet porn. Our therapist specializes in addictions mostly sex and gambling, she suggested the accountability website and for us it works ok, that is not to say it is what everyone should do. Looking at porn is not dangerous but when it becomes a compulsion which leads to addiction..then there is an issue. For some men/women sex addiction can be triggered by something as simple as a victoria secret magazine, others turn to prostitutes. For my husband it is the internet and he is now attending SA meetings , which was his choice.
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